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Holidays, Rituals and Traditions

July 21, 2011 By

family traditions

Holidays are both wonderful and, for many, difficult. Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, when they have lost a mother or father, isn’t a Hallmark-Cards good feeling. The Christmas Season, when people are apart from loved ones can also be challenging. In contrast, holidays can be joyous and create family traditions that transcend generations. This past July 4th struck me in this way as I felt both good and melancholy since my boys were apart from us.

My older son, heading towards age 18, is appropriately at that stage in his life where hanging out at a family BBQ isn’t his ideal of a good time. He hung with his friends much of the weekend, while my wife and I went to two BBQs. My younger son is away at camp so I have no idea what he was doing and he’s too busy to write more than the one letter in over two weeks. This doesn’t quite match the six long letters I wrote, filled with clippings, photos, and other stuff I knew he’d appreciate.  But, I’m not feeling neglected.

Our biggest family tradition is our Friday night dinner ritual.  We honor the Sabbath by lighting candles, saying a blessing that welcomes the beginning of Shabbat, and blessings over the wine, kids, and challah (I make my own special recipe for this sweet traditional egg bread).  But, our own unique tradition is sharing the “Bests and Worst” that happened to us the previous week.  Yes, only one “Worst” is allowed, while the “Bests” are unlimited.

I began this tradition when my boys began to talk. When they were that young, their contributions were few and often they required some prompting like, “Didn’t you go to Disneyland this week?” or “What about your birthday party?”  By doing this on a very regular and consistent basis, it truly became a Sallan Family tradition that we all treasure.  I’ve written about “The Family Dinner” and I continue to believe eating together, as a family, is an indispensable tool for bonding, learning, and loving.

Since the boys are now teenagers and my wife and I are quite busy with our respective careers, family sit-down time and “sharing” like this happens more infrequently than I’d prefer.  But, happily, we’ve all grown accustomed to sharing our “Bests and Worst” and we do so now unhesitatingly.  I’ve asked my older son to make his Friday night plans after dinner and he honors that request with little resistance.  When there’s a special occasion for the boys, they will be excused, but we all know it must be “Special.”

For many families, Thanksgiving and Christmas are their meaningful traditional holidays.  Both holidays tend to inspire larger get-togethers in which each family has their own history of rituals.  These special occasions define “Family” in my opinion. Ritual. Tradition. Holidays. They are signposts in our lives and theses “Signposts”, and they give our children tangible things to remember, to hold onto, and to pass on to their own families.

Our “Bests and Worst” tradition was inspired by attending a friend’s dinner where a version of this ritual was done.  We modified it for ourselves and it’s become so very important to us each Friday evening. I actually find myself reflecting on what I will say earlier in the day.

Religious people have rituals that extend to their religion’s particular holidays and values.  As we’re a mixed-faith, mixed-ethnicity couple, we have had the fortune of enjoying each other’s family and faith-based traditions.

Ironically, I’ve become maybe even more attached to my wife’s church after getting to know one of the pastors there, Pastor Drew Sams, who has become a regular on my Radio Show for the “Teen Rap” segment. I was actually stunned when I suggested to my wife that we attend recent services in which Pastor Drew would be presiding.  That was a change I’d never expected due to my attachment to my own faith, Judaism.

But, Pastor Drew speaks so well, from the heart, and his values and mine are pretty identical with only the role of Jesus being a slight differentiating belief.  As the Youth Pastor at Calvary Church and a young man himself, he brings a level of wisdom, youth, and insight to his sermons and to my show.  I’m grateful and blessed to know him. It never would have happened if my wife hadn’t encouraged me to attend her church, her ritual.

In a nutshell, I will unequivocally conclude that rituals, traditions, and holidays can be the glue that binds families that give extra meaning to those special times of the year, and are beautiful events upon which to build your family history.

I would love for you, my readers, to share some of your special family rituals and/or holiday traditions.  We can all learn from each other and maybe add something to our own family that we hadn’t done before?

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

15 Ways to Battle Burn-Out and Still Stay on the Hamster Wheel

July 20, 2011 By

flowers

Cover up is a fabulous makeup invention but it only works on the surface. Us Super High Achieving Women know that the only way we can keep going is if we figure out how to take care of ourselves. Lots of pampering is required. What happens when we don’t? Total burn-out that’s really difficult to recover from. How do I know, because it’s happened to me. Now I feel if I can help just one woman avoid burning out, find more happiness and balance in their work or life I know I’m giving something incredibly valuable back.

How do you bounce back from burn out and still manage to keep running on the hamster wheel? Pamper the heck out of yourself and let others join in.

The following are a few ways to accomplish this:

1. Stop Producing False Energy: high carbohydrate and high sugar diets along with coffee are going to give you false energy. Feed your energy naturally by giving in to r&r and cutting out the junk.
2. Stop Working Round the Clock: have a set work schedule and stick to it. Cave in rarely.
3. Vacate for Vacation: Take a vacation and recharge your batteries.
4. Stop Overcommitting: Most women who are battling burn out have an inability to say “No”. Start being super selective and say “yes” a lot less.
5. Take a Mental Health Day: The moment you start to feel like you’re teetering on burn out take the next possible day off and do something completely mindless.
6. Turn Off the Technology: And I mean all of it! Leave your cell phone at home or stop checking it so frequently. On the weekends I only watch about 30 minutes of t.v. and keep my cell phone off. It’s a great way to disconnect.
7. Read: Pick up a totally mindless magazine or book.
8. Stop Thinking and Meditate: Just allow yourself to get lost in your meditative thoughts
9. Gentle Exercise: Go easy on yourself. Go out and walk, swim for pleasure, enjoy a yoga session.
10. Acupuncture: One of the greatest benefits to acupuncture is that it allows you to deeply rest to provide the healing your body needs
11. Massage: Don’t be afraid to schedule an appointment. You may be holding significant tension in your body and the only way to release it is through some body work
12. Head to Your Nearest Ocean or Beach: and walk barefoot in the sand. Spread out a towel and just enjoy the sound of the ocean
13. Laugh with Friends: Surround yourself with those that uplift you
14. Clear Out the Clutter (mentally and physically): get rid of heavy thoughts by working them through with someone you trust and clear up your heavy physical space
15. Dance or Get Dressed Up and Go Out: take yourself out of your space and enjoy a night on the town. A change of environment will do you good.

Ever feel like you’re having a hard time with all that’s going on in your life?

Which 3 things can you do this next week to better take care of yourself?

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: , , , ,

Take the Peace Challenge

July 15, 2011 By

“Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” – Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes I think my daily struggle to attain five minutes of peace is futile. The kids, the phone, the never ending laundry…Repeated interruptions, unexpected delays and devastating news tug away at my heart leaving me feeling unsettled. The chaotic pace of life adds to the frustration making it impossible to complete my quest for peace.

But I’ve realized that peace is not the destination, it’s the mode of travel. And I’ve discovered that there are small but powerful actions I can take every day to contribute to a more peaceful heart, a calmer environment and a happier home.  Some of them seem effortless but the results are dramatic. If you’re struggling with clutter, chaos and angst, take the Peace Challenge by implementing one or more of my personal tips.

Theresa’s Top 10 Ways to Create a Peaceful Journey

  1. Turn off your cell phone, email and internet browser during specific times of the day – especially when you are working or having a conversation or meal with someone. If you can’t turn them off, set the alerts to silent (not vibrate!).
  2. Silence all background noise – including the television, radio or anything that you are not actively listening to at the moment.  You may not realize that the negative messages coming from the news reports while you are making breakfast are robbing you of a peace-filled morning.
  3. Go to bed by 9 pm once a week. This is a tough one for me because I am often just tucking my kids in bed at this hour and I feel like I finally have time to myself. But getting to bed early is a treat, so I try to do it once a week.
  4. Make your bed every day. I know it sounds crazy, but this small act of creating order is just what I need to start my day feeling somewhat “in control.”
  5. Throw away junk mail before you walk in the door – take it directly from the mailbox to the trash can (unless you need to shred it).
  6. Refuse to engage in or listen to gossip of any kind. The same thing holds true for complaints – make a commitment to yourself to be complaint-free for one week and ask a friend to hold you accountable.
  7. Spend at least one hour a day outside — walking, running, sitting, bird-watching, gardening or doing something that allows you to appreciate the beauty of nature. Breathe fresh air!
  8. Forgive someone – maybe yourself.
  9. Smile. It’s contagious.
  10. Put a journal or notebook by your bed, in your car, in your purse or anywhere you might get a ‘brilliant idea’ and need to capture it before you forget!

Not everyone has the same definition of peace. The music I perceive to be distracting noise may create a state of peace for my nephew. So the trick is to recognize the activities and environmental factors that cause discomfort in your heart and avoid them.

What would you do to create your own personal Peace Challenge? Share your tips with me!

Filed Under: Mom Entrepreneur Tagged With: , , , , ,

Keeping Your Body Engaged In Life

July 15, 2011 By

I read an interesting statement the other day. THE BODY ADAPTS DOWN. This makes sense when you think about how smart our bodies are. They can adapt to the most strenuous situations and challenges, so the opposite must be true, too.

If we are physically inactive, muscles become smaller, bones become thinner, hormone production decreases, cellular conversion of energy gets lazy — nature chooses disintegration.

We are looking at buying a new car, so I turn to the car analogy. Even the most expensive, luxury car won’t run after being left in a garage for too long without use. The batteries will go dead, the tires will go flat. Similarly, a person whose heart, lungs and muscles have gone flat isn’t going to be able to do much.

To avoid this dead battery syndrome, keep yourself active by keeping your body engaged in life.

I’m not talking about extreme exercise, or spending hours at the gym every day, but regular activities that promote deep breathing, sweating, and keeping muscles toned. Walking (especially uphill), swimming, bicycling, resistance training, even just deep breathing are all good activities. How about playing/running with the kids, sweeping the pool (twice maybe), or mopping the floor for that matter, doing some sit-ups or push-ups while you watch your favorite show, get creative, but get moving. Here are a few more suggestions to start you off.

Push-ups – Okay, probably not the most favorite exercise for many people, but there are different ways to do push-ups that don’t make them so hard. You don’t need to pretend you’re “Rocky”, and do them with one hand; just do what works for you. Do them on your knees, instead of keeping your legs straight. Or, do them standing up against a wall. You will be building up arm strength and working out muscles in your chest area.

Jumping Jacks – Does this bring back memories of third grade P.E.? These are always fun, as they bring back memories of being a kid! Well, surprise – they are also great cardio exercises, and good for warming up, too.

Leg Lifts – These are great for building up strength and muscles in your legs. Just like with push-ups, there are a few variations. If you find it hard to do the exercises with your legs straight, try bending them slightly.

Dancing – Dancing is a wonderful exercise, which is great for your heart. Not only that, but it can lift your spirits as well, especially if you do some silly and crazy moves with the kids. Crank up the tunes and get moving.

Jogging In Place – Jogging is a great exercise for your heart. You can jog in place at home while watching TV or listening to music. The only equipment you will require is a good pair of shoes, to eliminate any stress to your legs. Mix it up with some high knees.

Squats – Squats are the “go to” exercise for your legs and buttocks. To get the technique down, you can even try these by sitting and standing up again from a regular chair.

The body is a smart cookie, so use this to your advantage by challenging your body and keep it moving to ensure that your body adapts up instead of down.

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: , , ,

Identity Crisis or Just Growing Up

July 12, 2011 By

A few weeks ago I went to my nephew’s preschool graduation and the group of children sang a song about “Possibility and Potentiality.” It made me think about the word potentiality and I realized how thankful I was that I was finally reaching my own possibility and potentiality.  It’s certainly taken a while but I believe the long journey has been worth it. For many years I stuffed my potentiality into my stomach, in fact I think I ate it. Instead of being courageous enough to explore what I was good at, interested in and could make money at I simply took the easy way out and just kept working the same career.  Unfortunately by denying my potentiality I was declining my true potential and purpose thus lost a piece of myself in the process. The less I lived authentically the more health, weight and stress challenges surfaced. Being responsible to my family I never considered that maybe I should explore what would genuinely make me happy.For anyone who has ever declined their passion and purpose, this article is for you.

Do you know that the majority of our workforce is going through the motions and isn’t satisfied with what they do for a living? Did you know that the workforce is now made up of 50% women? The wonderful thing that’s happened is that more women are able to work in careers and have more opportunities than ever before. But with so many opportunities women are still struggling to find total balance. The struggles are real and often common. Women want to work, be fulfilled, make more money, have a family and find their purpose. Some remain in positions that don’t fulfill them and others buck the system and go “rogue”.  Which is best? That depends on each person. But having taken the “rogue” route I’d like to offer that while I was going through it I felt as though I was going through an identity crisis but then I realized I was just growing up.

If you reach a time in your life that you are no longer fulfilled with the path you’ve chosen you don’t have to feel as though making a career change is impossible. In fact it may actually save your life and your relationships. Women who are stressed, burnt-out, not expressing themselves and tapping into their true potential are more depressed and anxious. They are resentful and angry and often times the unhappiness presents itself physically. Now I’m not saying that all women are unhappy or that all women should give up careers. I’m simply saying that it’s possible at any age to reinvent yourself so that you can reach your potentiality.  In my experience coaching women I’ve found that one of the reasons for their poor health is that they are stressed or unhappy with some aspect of their life. One of the easiest things to change is the path to greater happiness. Having been through this I can attest to the fact that although in the moment it’s a challenge it ultimately leads to greater life fulfillment.

Have you reached your true potentiality? Do you think that doing the work you’re doing isn’t allowing you to reach it? Have you ever re-thought what you could do if you could do anything and money didn’t matter? Would you?

Filed Under: Health & Wellness

The Joy of Meeting People

July 7, 2011 By

meeting-people

Meeting people in real life, in person, is cool. I write and speak at great about technology and social interaction. It’s my belief that modern technology offers wondrous things but, as with just about everything, there is a down side.  That “down side” is that you can be lulled to believe that you can do everything you need to do from the comfort of your computer. Yes, you can do much more than at any time in human history, but the value of direct people contact cannot be replaced by any new tech device, app, software, or web site.

This was dramatically demonstrated on a recent trip to New York, where I combined business and pleasure and found the pleasure of meeting people to be not only joyful but also informative and invaluable in ways I’d almost forgotten about, considering my attachment to technology.

I’m not bashful, to say the least, so I talk to everyone.  Literally.  I struck up conversations with every taxi driver whose cab I entered.  In the crowded subway, I met a young Danish girl of Vietnamese heritage and in the space of one stop I learned her incredible story.  Being “social” got my son and me into the airline lounge for free, when our plane was delayed, whereas sitting back would’ve stuck us in the main, loud, uncomfortable airport waiting areas for several hours.

We parents model the behavior we want from our children.  My son got a great lesson in assertiveness, through observing my regular interactions with various people we encountered. To him, however, it was also sprinkled with an equal amount of me embarrassing him (24, 25 times?) by just being “Me!.”

In the space of four and a half days, some of the things we experienced from this direct interaction with people and places were:

~~ We met a young girl, while smashed together on the subway, who was doing a world tour before beginning medical school in Holland. In the space of ONE stop, I learned that her parents were boat people after the fall of Saigon, that her father was rescued by a Norwegian ship while in his early teens, and that he attended high school in Holland, where he met his wife who was also a survivor of the horrid post-war times in Vietnam.  He became an engineer and they had five children, the youngest of which was next to me, telling me her wonderful, engaging story.  As you can see, this is who I am — talking to everybody, loving it, learning, interacting — and as you can also understand, it’s why I probably under-estimated the number of times I embarrassed my son.

~~ We hung out with my virtual friend Adam Cohen (@dadarocks) who took us to the most incredible restaurant for dessert, Max Brenners. Adam is one of those people I “knew” from Twitterl, but now got the pleasure of not only meeting but getting to really “know.” There is no doubt that 140 characters have their limits!  Adam was beyond gracious to me and David, and David got a taste of how a New Yorker handles things, since Adam was born and raised there, and has his own unique style of “getting it done.”  His style is persistent, direct, and explains his 76 Klout (a Twitter measure of influence) and other top-of-the-list statistics as a dad blogger/influencer.

~~ Ground Zero where I was moved and impacted in ways I hadn’t imagined.

~~ I met a taxi driver from a small town in Ghana, who knew Pastor Frank Bennin, who runs the girl’s school that I’ve been supporting through my writing and radio show. Pastor Bennin’s kids befriended me on Facebook - yet another marvel of the Internet that we’d connect this way.  But, what are the odds that I’d meet a man from Ghana, on a trip to New York, who happened to know the little township of Agona Swedru?

~~ I spoke at the #140conf*, a Social Media conference where I met dozens of people that I only knew “virtually.” We discussed, shared, and got to know each other in ways that non-verbal, non-direct communication just cannot do.  In many cases, we came up with business ideas and other things we might join forces on that never would have happened without the face-to-face time.

~~ I met people of every ethnicity, stripe, color, and any other human distinction by visiting Times Square, day and night, The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Macy’s (the largest department store in the world), The Empire State Building, Rockefeller Center and the “Top of the Rock,” Chinatown (for dim sum and boba), saw four musicals (“Spiderman” – front row seats, “Memphis,” “Mary Poppins,” and “Baby, It’s You”), visited FAO Schwartz where I did a Tom Hanks (from the movie, “Big”) and danced/played on their full-size walk and play on piano, Greenwich Village for pizza at the infamous “John’s Pizza” restaurant, The Apple Store, the gorgeous display of masks in front of The Plaza Hotel, did a video interview with my son in Times Square, watched the “Today” show being broadcast “live,” and visited the Harry Potter exhibit at the Discovery Museum. Plus, taxi, taxi, taxi, walk, walk, walk, subway, subway, subway.

So, do you think getting out and seeing the world, interacting with people, learning and doing it away from the comforts of home, is worth it? I sure do!

*Here’s a link to my travelogue article on the trip to New York which has a link to view my “talk:” http://bit.ly/140confNY

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , ,

You Hurt My Feelings

July 1, 2011 By

mad-baby

Those four words — “You hurt my feelings” — are my least favorite words to hear from my wife. I’d rather hear, “I love you?”  What’s most difficult about those four words is that you can’t deny them.  Feelings are feelings and they’re not up for debate.  For most men, the ease with which we can incur those four words is a mystery.  This applies even in non-marital circumstances, as I will elaborate on later.

I love my wife. But, when she utters those four words, I cringe. I used to try and defend myself once I was able to decipher exactly what I’d done to elicit those four deadly words. Now, I just grin and bear it, quickly saying, “I’m sorry.”  You might as well just dig the hole deeper the moment you try and defend yourself.  Trust me on this: don’t.

In some cases, it’s my “wacky” sense of humor that will get me in trouble with my wife or, more recently, with a couple of social media “friends.”  My wife would define my “wacky” sense of humor as my “Big mouth!”  And she’s probably right, especially in the worlds of e-mail and even more so in the unique Twitterverse of 140 characters.

The first problem I had was with a Twitter person I follow, who also follows me, whom I’ve never spoke with or even exchanged first names, let alone something as personal as an e-mail.  That’s the peculiar nature of Social Media relationships.  One has the illusion one knows another person when, in fact, most of the time we don’t have a clue about the other person.  The opposite is also true; you can develop closeness with a “virtual” friend that is indeed meaningful.  I gladly have many of those close relationships in the world of Social Media, which have substantially enhanced my writing, speaking, and radio careers.

But, returning to this not-so-close virtual friend, she tweeted about something mundane in her day that had to do with being stressed about a small school matter involving one of her children. I cavalierly responded that if that was the only stress she was experiencing in her life, then she was pretty lucky.

Well, you’d have thought I’d called her a b, c, d, or f word as well as demeaned her maternity, along with her weight, looks, and intelligence!  What I meant, of course, was that if that was the “only” stress in her life, rather than that of a sick child, horrible financial problems, a dying relative, or the like, that she was indeed “lucky.”

She took my less than 140 character characterization as a misogynistic judgment against women!  Nothing could be further from the truth, especially for anyone, man or woman, dad or mom, who reads my columns, follows by “A Dad’s Point-of-View” Facebook page, knows me personally, or knows me from Twitter or Twitter Chats.

However, because this woman has a big following, a big “Klout” score (a measure of influence for a Twitter user), I didn’t want an enemy and therefore was eager to explain my innocent intentions.  Especially, after she threatened to write a blog about what an insensitive slug I was. I enlisted some women friends to explain that I was “a good guy” and didn’t mean any harm.  Others chimed in and a short, but raging debate followed, Twitter-style, in bursts of 140 characters or less.  I apologized.  She accepted, but then slammed me within the acceptance.  I wisely let that go. I think the brouhaha was ultimately overtaken by the Weiner scandal and went away.  Whew.

The other incident involved another Twitter “friend” who hosts a Twitter Chat and my sense of humor, unrelated asides and general “class clown” approach clearly didn’t meet with her rules and regulations.  In that case, no threats were exchanged as we respect each other, but I chose to just remove myself from that chat – hers – and let it run without my unregulated “Big mouth” and otherwise sometimes loose fingers, on the keyboard.

All of which brings us men back to our women, and their feelings.  Maybe our children will understand better how to handle each sex’s different senses of humor in the workplace and at home.  I don’t know, but all these experiences rattle me.  I will monitor more closely what I tweet or e-mail.  Frankly, the inner watching-my-back angel-on-my-shoulder is already censoring my unabridged approaches to both.

With my wife, it’s really a matter of understanding her language, paying more attention, and listening more carefully.  My marriage is more important to me than a Twitter acquaintance that I’ve never met or spoken with, but I still would rather be mindful of hurt feelings that I inadvertently cause anyone, close or not.

I know that if I shared these situations with my boys, they’d both react with “what’s the big deal?” as their generation lives in these worlds while mine straddles them and, at least speaking for myself, is often confused by them.

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , ,