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Strategies to Neutralize Arguments with your Kids

November 29, 2011 By

Mom and son

Kids seem to be extremely adept at luring their parents into no-win arguments. They are determined and persistent when it comes to things they want (or don’t want) to have or buy or do. The more they carry on and push to get their way, the more we as adults feel like we have to dig in our heels and take a stand. We are the parents after all!

Well, as you’re surely aware, arguing leads to more arguing which leads to more arguing, and before you know it, you’re in a full blown yelling match, complete with ultimatums, tears, tantrums, and hurt feelings.

There’s a better solution, an approach that can help defuse the frustration and anger, and maybe, just maybe, leave your kids speechless!

Ok, maybe that’s too much to ask for, but with a few simple strategies, you can turn a potential argument into a civilized conversation that will result in calm, not chaos.

  1. First and foremost, stop! Before you lose control of your emotions, stop yourself from talking. If you aren’t talking then you can’t be yelling, threatening or losing control!
  2. Now, breathe & tell yourself and your child “no problem”. Take a deep breath! Then neutralize the anger you might be feeling by saying “no problem” out loud. It is the trigger to yourself that there is no need to allow this to escalate. It is also the trigger to your child that they have pushed too far and that there will be consequences for their poor decision.
  3. Give yourself permission to decide on a consequence later. So many parenting philosophies today suggest that a consequence or punishment must come immediately after the infraction – as if our children are not smart enough to link the two if time passes. Charles Fay of the Love & Logic Institute suggests that this is simply not true.
  4. Go dumb until you can think clearly of the appropriate consequence. I recommend this Love and Logic phrase, “I care about you too much to argue with you.” Even if your child continues to push buttons (“you don’t love me”, “my friends don’t have to do that”, “that is unfair”) you simply restate what you are willing to do…”I love you too much to argue with you”. When you kid sees that their strategy isn’t work they will eventually give up.

This strategy helps you keep (or regain) your composure and accept that you cannot control what others do. You can only control your own actions. Your child may continue to argue, cry, yell, and throw a fit, but by walking away to keep your cool, you’ve modeled a healthy way to handle conflict.

©2011, Kathy Jenkins, Come To Order

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Raising a Respectful Child Begins at Home

May 17, 2011 By

mom-child

We all wish to grow healthy, happy relationships with our children. We interact, play and talk with our children to enjoy one another and feel connected. In those moments when we are in conflict with our kids at home, we wonder “What can I do to enhance my relationships with my children?”

One way to improve our relationships is to show that we honor one another. In its simplest terms, honor is the degree of value, worth and importance you place on a relationship. It is granting another person a position of value in your life. You likely model honor in your own home naturally. You are caring, loving and trustworthy. If you are ready to delve deeper, here are some steps to spring you forward in the depth and experience of teaching honor in your own home.

Honor begins at home here’s why:

1. You are your children’s finest role model. If you respect your children in your words and behaviors they learn to do the same with others.
2. Honor is about allegiance. When you teach your children to honor their relationships they become friends who stand up for one another, support one another and are true to each other.
3. Honoring honesty, hard work and patience builds children who value hard work and completing tasks to their rightful end.

Reflect for a moment: Do you honor your relationships? Is it important to you that people honor and give value to what you say and feel? How do you show your children that you honor them?

Here are some questions to ponder. You might even wish to write them in a journal and note what you do, when and why? This process will bring honor front of mind, help you monitor your tone and change your behavior as needed.

  • Do I talk with my children eye to eye?
  • Do I share their exuberance when they show me their schoolwork?
  • Do I make their lunches based on what’s quick or do I buy food that will keep them healthy, and that they in turn like?
  • Do I take phone calls in my car when I am with my children?
  • Do we make an effort to sit down to family breakfast and dinner?
  • Do I attend my children’s sporting events and pay attention to them, or do I take calls on my cell phone while my children are doing their best on the playing field?
  • Do I involve my children in the tasks of everyday life such as cleaning, cooking and caring for our home? Or do I tell them “I’ll do it” because that is easier than working through the process with them or dealing with pending messes?
  • Do I take the time to genuinely learn about my child’s interests?
  • Do I schedule my work hours when the children are at school or do I work at home all hours of the night when they are home and need me?
  • Do I focus on what my children do right rather than what my children do wrong?

No one is perfect, but when we strive to be mindful about how we honor our family, it builds trust, respect and love.

In relationships where we honor one another, listen to our children’s unique voices and really hear what they need, we improve how we communicate, how we express our love and how we get along across a lifetime.

If you are ready to take steps today try this:

1. Be consistent with your children.
2. Be attuned to their individual needs.
3. Respond to your children by getting off the couch, computer or phone and going to them. Proximity matters when you are communicating with your children.
4. Take your child’s concerns seriously. This means acknowledging their feelings. Do not mock or tease your children. Sarcasm is painful and it cuts deeply.
5. Match your child’s exuberance and excitement by sharing whole-heartedly in their joy.
6. Give your children your undivided attention in the moments they need you.

If we wish to raise ethical children in this complicated world, we need to begin with the lessons we teach at home. Being present, modeling respect and showing the meaning of honor is a solid start at any age.

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Don’t Tell Anyone…But!

May 17, 2011 By

secrets

Don’t tell anyone but…

…I don’t always like my kids. I pause as I write those words, waiting for the bad mommy police
to come swooping into my office, ready to take away my minivan, 10 year supply of Sponge Bob
Band-Aids and “Sippy” cup collection.

It sounds so terrible; there are only a few friends I can confess this to. But, sometimes my kids
are incredibly selfish, ill-behaved and unreasonable. In these circumstances I look at them
and I have nothing to say. I am thinking “where have I gone wrong?” or, I start making plans
to fly us all to Afghanistan for a crash course in gratitude, where they can live in a tent with no
technology.

And then I think, “O.k., so they are behaving inappropriately right now. It’s not the first time.
All I need to do is make the correction. ” But, why am I so upset? Why do I feel like I don’t like
these little people right now? Could this have more to do with me, than them? What are they
reminding me of in myself? Is their bad behavior a reflection on my mothering? Is this my ego
that’s upset?

Maybe I do like them. In fact, maybe I like them so much that it hurts to have them show a side
of themselves that is unappealing or unattractive? Whatever the reason, I think I have a better
shot at correcting their behavior if I am accepting and loving towards them.

How can we reconnect with our own ability to accept them, in the moment? When our children
are whining or complaining, or acting out with Grandma, how can we instantly remember what
we love about them?

Here are some Coach Me Quick ideas:

1. Remember a time when you had a deep experience of the love you have for your child

2. Imprint that memory on your brain. Close your eyes. Get a picture of it. Where were you?
What were the sounds, images and feelings around you? Make it so real, that you can call it up
when needed.

3. Accept yourself for your humanity. Our children are here to teach us about life as much as we
are there to guide them. Appreciate all they do for you – even if it makes you nuts.

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Love is saying NO

April 19, 2011 By

yes-no-buttons

“No” is a powerful word and tool in parenting.  It is much more powerful than the easier said, “Yes!” The boomer generation of parents, myself included, may have raised the most spoiled generation of children in history. This has sadly occurred at an economic time when “spoiled” will not work for their betterment.

Do you remember the movie, “Love Story,” and the over-used, over-promoted, and overly hyped line from it - “Love is never having to say you’re sorry?”  I do, and I remember what a bad book and movie it was, though the almost forgotten Ali MacGraw was a boy’s dream girl as the star.  I think that promotional “line” is about the only enduring thing to come from that movie, which isn’t saying much.

In reality, love often means doing things that may not seem loving, especially as a parent. I’ve often said that being the best mom or dad you can be may not mean being your children’s best friend (see my column, “Best Friend or Best Parent”).  While I think the “Love Story” line is simply an early pre-age bit of nonsense, it does inspire the much better one that I’ve used as the title for this column, “Love is Saying NO.”

Why is “No” such an important word and tool for parents? Because it is how you teach your children not only right from wrong, but boundaries of society, relationships, and respect for authority.  The first authority most children experience is from their parents.  Dads and moms therefore truly have the first opportunity to lay a proper foundation for their children to grow up as responsible, independent adults.  And, it’s not by saying, “Yes.”

As with all “rules,” there are exceptions to any blanket statement, but let’s list a few examples of saying “No:”

  1. No, you may not have that cookie, candy bar, soda, dessert, fried food, fast food item, “fill in the blank,” because it’s not good for you.
  2. No, you may not speak to your mother (or father) like that.
  3. No, that language is not acceptable in this house.
  4. No, you cannot go to that PG-13 movie even though your other 12-year-old friends are allowed to go.
  5. No, I don’t care how old you are, I will not allow you to listen to that disgusting and inappropriate music, or see “that” movie even if you’re old enough to go to R-rated movies, etc.
  6. No, you have to eat your vegetables (ahhh, that one is a “classic”).
  7. No, you can’t stay home from school today because you haven’t prepared for that test, you don’t feel like it, you don’t want to see so-and-so, you are too tired from last night’s party, etc.
  8. No, a curfew is a curfew and you cannot stay out past 10:30 p.m., even if all your friends are allowed to do so.
  9. No, your boyfriend/girlfriend may not sleep over even if her parents say it’s okay.
  10. No, you can’t watch that television show on a school night. You know our rule, no television on school nights.
  11. No, you can’t drive my car.
  12. No, you don’t get your allowance because you didn’t do your chores.

I decided to stop at an even dozen in compiling this list as I realized how truly endless the job of saying “No” is for parents.  The list is and should be endless if you’re doing your job as the best mom or dad you can be.

Saying “Yes” to all the things our children want is just enabling them to not grow up, take responsibility, learn independence, and to be happy.

Happiness doesn’t come from having things handed to you near as much as it does when you earn it yourself.

Think about it.  Think about your achievements in life.  Remember all the way back to your school or college days.  When you busted yourself studying for an exam, or writing a school paper, and you did well and got a good grade, how did you feel?  If you cheated or plagiarized, would the feeling be near as good? These are examples of saying “No” to yourself, as you hopefully learned from hearing it when you needed to from your dad and mom.

There’s a huge difference between self-discipline and self-esteem. The latter has been completely subverted by our politically correct school system, for the most part, while the former is not “taught” much at all in mainstream education.  These are other reasons that mom and dad have to take the lead in making self-discipline second nature to our boys and girls.  It will only happen when you say, No.”

So, practice it.  Let it be second nature.  By disciplining yourself to discipline your children, you are indeed being the best dad or mom you can be and, ironically, you are better preparing your children for the realities of life that they will indeed face.

No, it won’t hurt.

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12 Reasons Why Children Misbehave

April 7, 2011 By

child misbehaving

If you attend a workshop or parenting class, you are likely to hear that children misbehave for four common reasons: Attention, Power, Revenge or Inadequacy. Yet, when I ask parents the meanings behind behavior, they often come up with a broader range of reasons children misbehave.

Let’s look at the short list :) .

Children may misbehave due to:

  1. Developmental delays: Children who experience language, motor, social and cognitive delays may misbehave due to developmental challenges.
  2. Illness: When we don’t feel well, we often don’t have the skills, patience, calming power, or thinking ability to do the right thing. Neither does your child.
  3. Boredom: This is common in school when topics and activities do not stimulate the brain enough to keep it engaged.
  4. Frustration and anger: When tasks, people or experiences lead us to frustration or anger, we are unlikely to do the right thing or make a good choice.
  5. A need for attention: Most people enjoy attention, but it is normal for children to seek an especially high level of the stimulation and comfort of attention, love and nurturance.
  6. Anxiety: Anxiety is simply fear turned on its side. They both come from the same biological brain system, the limbic system. Many times, children misbehave because they are anxious, afraid or both, even if they don’t have the language skills to communicate their concerns or fears. This could be anything from monsters under the bed to a teacher who intimidates them.
  7. Low self-esteem: When children do not regard themselves very highly, part of them figures, “Who cares. Whatever. Things are no good for me now so why should I comply?” (Be aware that children can experience true depression, in which case you may wish to consult with a professional.
  8. Misunderstanding: Sometimes children misunderstand what is expected of them. This can be due to communication, listening or attention challenges.
  9. Pacing problems: The internal motor of some children runs too high, making their internal pacing and speed difficult to manage themselves.
  10. Communication challenges: Due to receptive and/or expressive language issues, some children do not have the foundational communication skills to exhibit appropriate behaviors.
  11. Sabotage: While parents are generally well meaning, they can mis-communicate with their children, expect skills beyond the child’s ability, or interfere with learning because of their own anger and skill deficits.
  12. Sensory overload: Some children experience overloads to their nervous system that lead to acting up and acting out. Sensory calming skills need to be employed.

One method for stepping back and collecting data before you form an opinion or intervene is to ask yourself:

“What is the meaning of the behavior?”

“What underlies this behavior?”

“Why is it occurring?” and

“What factors are reinforcing this behavior?”

This is where your detective skills come in handy.

Find the who, what, when, where and hows in The Family Coach Method.

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Time Out or Time In?

March 30, 2011 By

child stressed out

April is Stress Awareness Month and your kids need your help.  Oh yes, kids experience stress and what makes their situation worse than an adult is that they don’t always know how to recognize the stress or manage it.  It’s not their fault because their brains haven’t necessarily developed to do this.

A two year old temper tantrum is a form of stress because she can’t necessarily articulate that she’s tired and hungry.  A teenager may get silent and gloomy because he doesn’t know how to manage the stress of peer pressure.  Your son may slam a door because he’s frustrated and stressed at constantly striking out at baseball, or your daughter may get grouchy because of the stress of verbal bullying about the clothes she wears.  Whatever the cause, stress will show up in children’s behaviors if they don’t know how to manage it.

So what’s a parent to do?


Three steps come to mind:

First, be a keen observer of your child’s moods and behavior patterns.  Don’t count on teachers or coaches to always tell you when “something’s up” with your kid.  Try to pick up on the cues yourself by observing for shifts in their behavior.  The older some kids get, the better they mask their feelings thus minimizing the opportunity for parents to help them in expressing or managing them.

Second, be a patient guiding force. Help your child to articulate what is going on in their head.  Ask questions and impart your loving guidance to help them find a solution.  Whenever possible invoke your child’s opinion in the problem solving.  This helps them to start training the brain for solutions.

Third, be a loving disciplinarian. If your child’s stressful outbursts are inappropriate, by all means render consequences as you need to, but consider this… Many parents give their children a punishment or a “time out” in which they can think about their behaviors.  Often times, kids just stew during this period of time and end up harboring resentment toward the situation as well as the parent who punished them.  What if these kids had a “time IN” instead? A brilliant lady named Linda Lantieri suggests just this in her book Building Emotional Intelligence.

child meditatingMs. Lantieri suggests that a small area of your home can be turned in to a special oasis of calm that can actually helps kids to manage their stress.  They don’t have to be sent there as a punishment for negative behavior, but can go there to calm down before or after negative behavior sets in.  What a brilliant idea!  What’s even better is that you can ask your child to help you set the area up in a way that they find it inviting.  Avoid electronics like TV or handheld game but do consider calming music, stuffed animals (for younger kids), books, puzzles, or even a candle (safety first!).  It can be made comfortable with soft seating and inviting pillows.  Parents may find they want their own “Time In”.

Give it a try and share your thoughts in our comments section!

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