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Don’t Tell Anyone…But!

May 17, 2011 By

secrets

Don’t tell anyone but…

…I don’t always like my kids. I pause as I write those words, waiting for the bad mommy police
to come swooping into my office, ready to take away my minivan, 10 year supply of Sponge Bob
Band-Aids and “Sippy” cup collection.

It sounds so terrible; there are only a few friends I can confess this to. But, sometimes my kids
are incredibly selfish, ill-behaved and unreasonable. In these circumstances I look at them
and I have nothing to say. I am thinking “where have I gone wrong?” or, I start making plans
to fly us all to Afghanistan for a crash course in gratitude, where they can live in a tent with no
technology.

And then I think, “O.k., so they are behaving inappropriately right now. It’s not the first time.
All I need to do is make the correction. ” But, why am I so upset? Why do I feel like I don’t like
these little people right now? Could this have more to do with me, than them? What are they
reminding me of in myself? Is their bad behavior a reflection on my mothering? Is this my ego
that’s upset?

Maybe I do like them. In fact, maybe I like them so much that it hurts to have them show a side
of themselves that is unappealing or unattractive? Whatever the reason, I think I have a better
shot at correcting their behavior if I am accepting and loving towards them.

How can we reconnect with our own ability to accept them, in the moment? When our children
are whining or complaining, or acting out with Grandma, how can we instantly remember what
we love about them?

Here are some Coach Me Quick ideas:

1. Remember a time when you had a deep experience of the love you have for your child

2. Imprint that memory on your brain. Close your eyes. Get a picture of it. Where were you?
What were the sounds, images and feelings around you? Make it so real, that you can call it up
when needed.

3. Accept yourself for your humanity. Our children are here to teach us about life as much as we
are there to guide them. Appreciate all they do for you – even if it makes you nuts.

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Sir Paul McCartney and My Son!

April 27, 2011 By

paul mcartney

Seventeen years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing and hearing Paul McCartney and Wings in concert. The head to toe goose bumps I felt while hearing my favorite Beatle made me feel like my life was, well… “complete”.  I could surely die a happy woman!  The concert was by far, the best one I had ever, ever been to.  The best, that is, until last night.  Last night, I saw Sir Paul perform live again, but this time, my husband and my son were with me.  I got “completed” even better than the first time.

It’s really pretty simple.  My (nearly) 14 year old son chose, without reservation, to let his parents be a part of his very first concert experience.  Sure, it helped that he liked the music we played at home and the fact that we splurged on his expensive ticket, but he could have simply turned us down in favor of a first concert experience with his cohorts… the way most teenagers do it today!  He chose us and we were touched that we could share this “milestone” with him.

So I’d like to ask, “What milestones would you like to share with your children”? “What can you begin to do today to actually pursue this goal?” And while I’m asking questions….

Do you remember your first concert?  Would you have shared the experience with your parents?  Would you like to share this type of experience with your kids?  Why, or why not?

Our experience included being shoulder to shoulder with forty thousand people and getting completely soaked after a heavy 10 minute downpour.  We rocked as a family to “Let it Be”, and sang and screamed for two and a half hours until we lost our voices.  There was even time for a little “parenting” when we had to explain to our son that the “funny smell” he had never smelled before was pot!  Yes, we had a quick discussion on why it is best to “Just Say No” to drugs!  Overall the crowd was tame, but we got to point out how silly drunks looked when they couldn’t walk straight, or just fell down.  Our son probably could have made all these assessments on his own, but we were glad to have been there as guides.  We were also glad we asked him about going to the concert in the first place.  If we hadn’t taken this step and “tried”, we would have never experienced this particular bond in the way that we did.

Of course, we are always parents first and I’m not suggesting we seek back to back opportunities to be our kid’s best friend but I encourage all parents to try to open windows of opportunity to experience friendship with their kids. Even if you think they’ll turn you down, what’s the harm in trying?  If it works, they might just think you’re “cool” and even find you “approachable” to solicit your “parental wisdom”.

In the end, we were just so grateful to have shared a wonderful evening with our young teenager who is rapidly showing us what a great young man he is turning in to and how he values his parents despite our being “parents”.  We had a great friendship between us last night.  Laughter, love, learning, cuddling to stay warm and dry from the rain, and great music made us a very happy family enjoying a very magical night.

Of course tomorrow is another day.  There will likely be scolding about an unmade bed and piles of clothes on the floor.  There might be greater issues that define our roles as defiant teenager and “mean” parent, but for now I must simply just say “thanks” not just to Sir Paul, but to my son, who made the night rock in more ways than one!

Thanks son.

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Maturing Into a Man or Woman

April 26, 2011 By

growing up

How long does puberty in a boy last? A friend of mine who shall remain anonymous, but I’ll refer to as Max, was talking with me about the question of when we “grow up.” He related his own story which I’ll paraphrase, in which he talked about the moment when he “became a man” to quote him. It was…in his thirties!

The story Max told was that prior to this incident, which he defined as his turning point towards manhood, he had always struggled with standing up for himself. Why he felt this was the essential ingredient in defining himself as a man is his personal decision, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

In our discussion on this subject, we reflected that many cultures, religions, and ethnic groups have historically had rituals that marked a boy becoming a man.  Not many such passages or rituals were available for the girls, though I will assert that in contemporary Western Society there are certainly some parallels.

Older indigenous cultures, such as many American Indian tribes, had manhood rituals that involved survival “outside,” alone, for some period of time.  Judaism has for centuries had the Bar Mitzvah as its boy-to-man ritual and added the Bat Mitzvah for girls in the last century.  Secular America sometimes defines adulthood, for both sexes, as either becoming 18 years of age or more often, becoming 21 years old, which is the legal drinking age.

I’m not sure that 21 and drinking should define anything resembling adulthood, when 18 is the age a boy or girl can enlist in the military. I personally think that joining and surviving military training qualifies as much more of an “adult passage” than binge drinking does in college.

My friend’s self-proclaimed rite-of-passage occurred on a camping trip with a few other male friends. At one point, one of these friends demanded some action of him that he felt was an inappropriate request.  Max left the area to think about it. Returning a short while later, he said he told this “friend” that he was out-of-line and refused to do whatever it was that was asked of him (note: it related to preparing the campsite or some other relatively innocuous activity). For Max, then in his early 30’s, it became his defining moment.

What was yours? Did you have such a moment or participate in such a ritual? Do you think the age at which boys and girls mature to men and women is the same as it’s historically been? Or do you think they’re maturing sooner…or later?  For that matter, do you believe each sex matures at different ages or after certain experiences?

There’s no doubt that kids are exposed to much more in the form of media, information, movies, and such than in previous generations, but that doesn’t seem to be affecting their maturity–just their innocence.  In other, maybe more important ways, it’s my belief that many kids today are sheltered from exactly those experiences that hasten their journey towards adulthood.

The generation of my parents most definitely struggled more than I did while my boys are most definitely struggling much less than I did.  “Struggle” may be the wrong choice of words.  Entitlement, spoiled, pampered, protected, coddled, are just a few of the better choices for what I believe the current generation of young boys and girls are getting from many parents.

The sixties generation of parents has certainly raised children in a different fashion than previous generations. There’s no doubt the world these children are growing up in is much more complicated and, at present, more difficult in the areas we of the sixties generation didn’t face nearly as much.

For instance, my sons would not be able to attend the colleges I attended with the grades and test scores I had.  My grades and scores, in fact, wouldn’t get me into even substantially less-rated colleges or universities.  Further, the ease with which I was able to find part-time jobs as a young teenager was much easier than it is today when even the standard paper-route is no longer available to a boy and his bicycle.

Given all these changes, why then is this generation of young men and women seemingly maturing later? They face harsh competition for college admissions and even more competition for all jobs.  Shouldn’t that make them tougher and maybe even more persistent and determined?  Evidently not, given the large number of young adult men and women who are returning to the safety of home after graduating college and either not finding a job or not making enough money to afford a lifestyle equivalent to what we were able to do at their age.

I suppose I’ve answered my original question by these reflections, since my generation was able to get much needed life experience from the many jobs more easily available to us in our teens.  Most of us were able to make a good enough living to not have to return home at all, except to visit, after high school or college graduation.

I guess I’d have to say the “life” was the manhood lesson for me.  And, while society and various cultures may have or have not rituals to mark the passage to adulthood, it really is only “life” that will take you there.

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3 Ways a Mom Can Live Easier

April 22, 2011 By

grand-central-station

There’s no question that in my house I’m Grand Central Mom, everything runs through me. It’s okay, I like it this way. I want to know everything that’s going on because I don’t want to miss anything. My kids are teens and they are very busy. They have full schedules at school, play sports and have social lives. When they were young I remember planning everything for them including their play dates, activities, after school programs…everything. Not only was I managing their schedules but I was certainly in charge of my own which included my work, exercise and social life.

There was a time I had it all committed to memory but then one day I realized that I had a lot to manage and I couldn’t remember all the details. I tried everything, memos, calendars, planners, leaving voicemail messages for myself and yet I always felt like I was forgetting something. So we called a “Family Meeting” and discussed how we could better manage our lives so that we could enjoy it more.

We decided to do three things:  schedule less things, involve the kids, research really good organizational systems.

This is how it went down:

  1. Schedule Less. In order to schedule less we took on less. As a family we began to choose what our priorities were and how we wanted to spend our time together. We looked at what each of us wanted to do in a day and what we had to do during it (school, work, home chores).  We realized that all we wanted to do couldn’t happen unless we figured out how to make the time for it. It came down to choices. By freeing up wasted time in our days we soon learned how to make the most of the time we had together and then I found more time to do the things I needed and wanted to do to take care of myself.
  2. Involve the Kids. Because I worked I felt that I should “pamper” my kids. I wasn’t around all day so I wanted to treat them wonderfully when I was with them. What I didn’t realize was that my enabling really wasn’t a very wise choice. I soon learned that they couldn’t do chores or simple tasks because  they hadn’t been taught how, we or I had just done things for them. Some of it I rationalized was because it was faster to just do things myself than have to explain it. My husband and I made a conscious decision to start teaching the kids how to do the basics: fold and wash their clothes, wash the dishes, clean, vacuum, sort through the mail and take out the trash. All things they’d need to learn to do when they were on their own anyway. As they began to do more I had to do less and I felt so much better..no more arguing, no more resentment and more time for me to go for a walk or practice yoga.
  3. Choose great organizational systems. This took me a while to figure out because I had so much to organize. The kid’s paperwork, our home, my work, emails, multiple voicemail boxes. It’s gotten much harder as we have more to manage. I resisted technology for a long time but when I finally caved it made all the difference. I’m not a purist, I do carry a paper organizer as well but now I’ve learned a way to keep up better. One thing I do is follow Digitwirl, Carley Knobloch searches out the latest tech gadgets that can help make tech work for you. She puts out a weekly 3 minute video to show simple ways to organize life digitally.

Life has gotten far easier since I’ve started simplifying and managing it better.

What do you do to make life easier for you?

Filed Under: Health & Wellness Tagged With: , , , ,

The Story on the Deep Tissue Massage

April 20, 2011 By

massage

“Deep tissue” might be the most misunderstood modality. Most clients that request deep tissue more than likely want a “very firm” Swedish massage. Deep tissue is more of a therapy and is used to release chronic muscle triggers (trigger points are areas of tenderness or “knots” that are pinpoint specific and often refer pain to other areas of your body) using VERY SLOW direct deep pressure with the grain of the muscle.  Oils and lotions are not commonly used for deep tissue as the gliding restricts the therapist ability to stay gripped or connected with the myofacial tissue beneath the skin.

Deep tissue modality very gradually eases the therapist fingers and possibly elbows into the deep myofacial tissues of your body allowing connective tissues to soften. Deep tissue focuses on very specific areas of concern and cannot be utilized over the entire body in one treatment. Many times our triggers start to form during emotionally stressful times, and when the trigger starts to unwind we experience an emotional release during or soon after a treatment. This is a good thing, let it go.

The “no pain, no gain” concept does not apply for this or any modality of massage. On a scale of 1-7 you should never experience discomfort above a five. If the goal is to allow the muscle to relax, pain will cause your muscles to constrict and not allow the therapist entry to the trigger. You will most likely experience some soreness during or right after the treatment but the relief of pain and tenderness from these trigger points can restore more comfortable movement and function throughout your entire body. It is imperative that you drink a lot of water after any massage.

Contraindications to receiving deep tissue massage:

  • Not in the area of a broken bone
  • Clients with peripheral neuropathy will not be able to properly judge depth and pain
  • Deep vein thrombosis (where there is a blood clot in the veins of the leg) if working on legs
  • Pregnant women, their body releases a hormone called relaxin, that causes ligaments and tendons to loosen up in preparation for delivery, and any deep tissue work could cause injury.
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Love is saying NO

April 19, 2011 By

yes-no-buttons

“No” is a powerful word and tool in parenting.  It is much more powerful than the easier said, “Yes!” The boomer generation of parents, myself included, may have raised the most spoiled generation of children in history. This has sadly occurred at an economic time when “spoiled” will not work for their betterment.

Do you remember the movie, “Love Story,” and the over-used, over-promoted, and overly hyped line from it - “Love is never having to say you’re sorry?”  I do, and I remember what a bad book and movie it was, though the almost forgotten Ali MacGraw was a boy’s dream girl as the star.  I think that promotional “line” is about the only enduring thing to come from that movie, which isn’t saying much.

In reality, love often means doing things that may not seem loving, especially as a parent. I’ve often said that being the best mom or dad you can be may not mean being your children’s best friend (see my column, “Best Friend or Best Parent”).  While I think the “Love Story” line is simply an early pre-age bit of nonsense, it does inspire the much better one that I’ve used as the title for this column, “Love is Saying NO.”

Why is “No” such an important word and tool for parents? Because it is how you teach your children not only right from wrong, but boundaries of society, relationships, and respect for authority.  The first authority most children experience is from their parents.  Dads and moms therefore truly have the first opportunity to lay a proper foundation for their children to grow up as responsible, independent adults.  And, it’s not by saying, “Yes.”

As with all “rules,” there are exceptions to any blanket statement, but let’s list a few examples of saying “No:”

  1. No, you may not have that cookie, candy bar, soda, dessert, fried food, fast food item, “fill in the blank,” because it’s not good for you.
  2. No, you may not speak to your mother (or father) like that.
  3. No, that language is not acceptable in this house.
  4. No, you cannot go to that PG-13 movie even though your other 12-year-old friends are allowed to go.
  5. No, I don’t care how old you are, I will not allow you to listen to that disgusting and inappropriate music, or see “that” movie even if you’re old enough to go to R-rated movies, etc.
  6. No, you have to eat your vegetables (ahhh, that one is a “classic”).
  7. No, you can’t stay home from school today because you haven’t prepared for that test, you don’t feel like it, you don’t want to see so-and-so, you are too tired from last night’s party, etc.
  8. No, a curfew is a curfew and you cannot stay out past 10:30 p.m., even if all your friends are allowed to do so.
  9. No, your boyfriend/girlfriend may not sleep over even if her parents say it’s okay.
  10. No, you can’t watch that television show on a school night. You know our rule, no television on school nights.
  11. No, you can’t drive my car.
  12. No, you don’t get your allowance because you didn’t do your chores.

I decided to stop at an even dozen in compiling this list as I realized how truly endless the job of saying “No” is for parents.  The list is and should be endless if you’re doing your job as the best mom or dad you can be.

Saying “Yes” to all the things our children want is just enabling them to not grow up, take responsibility, learn independence, and to be happy.

Happiness doesn’t come from having things handed to you near as much as it does when you earn it yourself.

Think about it.  Think about your achievements in life.  Remember all the way back to your school or college days.  When you busted yourself studying for an exam, or writing a school paper, and you did well and got a good grade, how did you feel?  If you cheated or plagiarized, would the feeling be near as good? These are examples of saying “No” to yourself, as you hopefully learned from hearing it when you needed to from your dad and mom.

There’s a huge difference between self-discipline and self-esteem. The latter has been completely subverted by our politically correct school system, for the most part, while the former is not “taught” much at all in mainstream education.  These are other reasons that mom and dad have to take the lead in making self-discipline second nature to our boys and girls.  It will only happen when you say, No.”

So, practice it.  Let it be second nature.  By disciplining yourself to discipline your children, you are indeed being the best dad or mom you can be and, ironically, you are better preparing your children for the realities of life that they will indeed face.

No, it won’t hurt.

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Sex, Drugs, Alcohol and Your Tweens

April 12, 2011 By

teens texting

With texting, video chat and hormones raging… are we moms nervous, you bet!

We have some great mom generated tips to help you and your kids navigate middle school.

1. Get informed. There are a lot of rumors flying around about sexting, rainbow parties, drug use and more. Some of these are in fact true and supported by feedback from local police agencies. But we need not panic. Become a parent who knows the facts by joining the PTO at your school, attending MASK meetings (azmark.org) and reading relevant books and articles on the teen years.

2. Learn to talk effectively with your tweens. Annie Fox at anniefox.com and Dr. Oguntala at TheTeenDoc.com offer timely and meaningful tips on communicating with your tweens. Consider reading The Parent as Coach by Diana Sterling, Are you Wearing That by Deborah Tannen and Get Out of My Life but First Will You Take Me and Cheryl To The Mall by Anthony E. Wolf Ph.D.

Learn to appreciate the ebbs and flows in your relationship, they will come close then be distanced. This is part of the tween-parent relationship.

3. Participate in school offerings such as the parent education seminars provided during the year. Learn what activities your school has to offer so that your kids are busy developing skills through activities at school such as sports, photography, art, music and dance. Research shows that kids who are involved in activities have less down time, less screen time and develop friendships with more productive schoolmates.

4. Take your tween seriously. Your tween is closer now to being an adult than a child. Your role is moving more toward mentor and coach. Respect your tween’s personal privacy. I don’t mean fail to check their room if you suspect drug use. But I do mean stop talking about them, sharing their experiences with your friends and talking about them like they are a youngster. Having them overhear you on the phone talking about their stuff is the fastest way to make them feel outed. They’ll clam up like no tomorrow.

5. Teach your child problem solving and decision making skills by listening carefully to their concerns and generating solutions with them. Allow them some personal space where you do not constantly question. Allow them to come to you to start a dialogue. If you must, use open ended questions and refrain from offering your immediate opinions.

mom and tween listening to music

6. Make time for your tweens. Just cause they are into their friends doesn’t mean they are not into you. Find out what interests them and learn how to participate. If it’s a sport, art or music, get with the current trends so that you can express interest and share their enthusiasm. Finding common ground is the key.

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Time Out or Time In?

March 30, 2011 By

child stressed out

April is Stress Awareness Month and your kids need your help.  Oh yes, kids experience stress and what makes their situation worse than an adult is that they don’t always know how to recognize the stress or manage it.  It’s not their fault because their brains haven’t necessarily developed to do this.

A two year old temper tantrum is a form of stress because she can’t necessarily articulate that she’s tired and hungry.  A teenager may get silent and gloomy because he doesn’t know how to manage the stress of peer pressure.  Your son may slam a door because he’s frustrated and stressed at constantly striking out at baseball, or your daughter may get grouchy because of the stress of verbal bullying about the clothes she wears.  Whatever the cause, stress will show up in children’s behaviors if they don’t know how to manage it.

So what’s a parent to do?


Three steps come to mind:

First, be a keen observer of your child’s moods and behavior patterns.  Don’t count on teachers or coaches to always tell you when “something’s up” with your kid.  Try to pick up on the cues yourself by observing for shifts in their behavior.  The older some kids get, the better they mask their feelings thus minimizing the opportunity for parents to help them in expressing or managing them.

Second, be a patient guiding force. Help your child to articulate what is going on in their head.  Ask questions and impart your loving guidance to help them find a solution.  Whenever possible invoke your child’s opinion in the problem solving.  This helps them to start training the brain for solutions.

Third, be a loving disciplinarian. If your child’s stressful outbursts are inappropriate, by all means render consequences as you need to, but consider this… Many parents give their children a punishment or a “time out” in which they can think about their behaviors.  Often times, kids just stew during this period of time and end up harboring resentment toward the situation as well as the parent who punished them.  What if these kids had a “time IN” instead? A brilliant lady named Linda Lantieri suggests just this in her book Building Emotional Intelligence.

child meditatingMs. Lantieri suggests that a small area of your home can be turned in to a special oasis of calm that can actually helps kids to manage their stress.  They don’t have to be sent there as a punishment for negative behavior, but can go there to calm down before or after negative behavior sets in.  What a brilliant idea!  What’s even better is that you can ask your child to help you set the area up in a way that they find it inviting.  Avoid electronics like TV or handheld game but do consider calming music, stuffed animals (for younger kids), books, puzzles, or even a candle (safety first!).  It can be made comfortable with soft seating and inviting pillows.  Parents may find they want their own “Time In”.

Give it a try and share your thoughts in our comments section!

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All Moms to Lift, Play and Yodel

March 24, 2011 By

happy mom with child

To be an effective mom, we need to learn how to deal with our feelings of overwhelm and stress. Life-demands can come at us from all directions at one time – work, kids, marriage, home… They all can add up to an enormous weight on our shoulders where it seems like the tight rope is going to snap any minute now.

So… What’s the answer?

As they say in the movies, ah…. fo-git ’bout it! Lift up those pressures, because everything is going to be alright. We are no good to ourselves and the important people around us as crabby, short-fused mommies and wives.

It’s time to play! Take a breather and rediscover the gift your kids know how to use. Play games, play silly, play happy for a while. It’ll put a smile on your face, your kids’ faces and you get to spend some quality time with the family they will always remember. Being a mom is an inspiring, yet humbling experience. We must not take ourselves too seriously.

So, take a load off… roll up your sleeves… take off your shoes… wiggle your arms and jump on one foot in a circle while yodeling!

baby sticking out tongue

Do it now!  It’s doctor’s orders!

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