Strategies to Neutralize Arguments with your Kids

Mom and son

Kids seem to be extremely adept at luring their parents into no-win arguments. They are determined and persistent when it comes to things they want (or don’t want) to have or buy or do. The more they carry on and push to get their way, the more we as adults feel like we have to dig in our heels and take a stand. We are the parents after all!

Well, as you’re surely aware, arguing leads to more arguing which leads to more arguing, and before you know it, you’re in a full blown yelling match, complete with ultimatums, tears, tantrums, and hurt feelings.

There’s a better solution, an approach that can help defuse the frustration and anger, and maybe, just maybe, leave your kids speechless!

Ok, maybe that’s too much to ask for, but with a few simple strategies, you can turn a potential argument into a civilized conversation that will result in calm, not chaos.

  1. First and foremost, stop! Before you lose control of your emotions, stop yourself from talking. If you aren’t talking then you can’t be yelling, threatening or losing control!
  2. Now, breathe & tell yourself and your child “no problem”. Take a deep breath! Then neutralize the anger you might be feeling by saying “no problem” out loud. It is the trigger to yourself that there is no need to allow this to escalate. It is also the trigger to your child that they have pushed too far and that there will be consequences for their poor decision.
  3. Give yourself permission to decide on a consequence later. So many parenting philosophies today suggest that a consequence or punishment must come immediately after the infraction – as if our children are not smart enough to link the two if time passes. Charles Fay of the Love & Logic Institute suggests that this is simply not true.
  4. Go dumb until you can think clearly of the appropriate consequence. I recommend this Love and Logic phrase, “I care about you too much to argue with you.” Even if your child continues to push buttons (“you don’t love me”, “my friends don’t have to do that”, “that is unfair”) you simply restate what you are willing to do…”I love you too much to argue with you”. When you kid sees that their strategy isn’t work they will eventually give up.

This strategy helps you keep (or regain) your composure and accept that you cannot control what others do. You can only control your own actions. Your child may continue to argue, cry, yell, and throw a fit, but by walking away to keep your cool, you’ve modeled a healthy way to handle conflict.

©2011, Kathy Jenkins, Come To Order

Mom, I Have a Project Due Tomorrow!

Homework trouble

It’s Sunday night and you are looking forward to relaxing after a busy weekend when your kid comes rushing into the room, “I have a project due tomorrow and I can’t find my instructions. Do we have any poster board? Where are my markers?” And the race begins…

So often I get calls from parents who just don’t understand why their child can’t be organized, why they can’t plan ahead and it takes them hours to do homework. Bottom line is this, executive skills, such as organization, planning and time management are not fully developed until adulthood. Add to that, whatever is taught in school is inconsistent from teacher to teacher and is explained based on how each teacher thinks and learns. Organizing isn’t “one size fits all”. Creating systems that are tailored to your child’s thinking and learning style will make it easier for them to get and stay organized. In return, their organization will be one less stress in your life!

The brain is naturally divided into four areas, with each one performing a specific function, and everyone comes into this world with an advantage in one of these areas. We can see this by looking at the different ways kids act, react and interact with their world. For example, some kids want to do things themselves and excel at finishing what they start. Other kids may be so drawn to connecting with their friends that relationships triumph over most everything else. Then there are the kids who seem to have their heads in the clouds all the time, day dreaming about their next big idea. Finally there are the kids that show no reserve when it comes to telling others what to do. Identifying your child’s natural thinking style is the first step in creating organizational systems that provide a feeling of safety, support and confidence because they come so easy to them! It can also provide great insight as to why you and your child might see things so differently when it comes to organization.

Another important aspect is how your child learns. This is not only significant when it comes to teaching organization, or anything else for that matter, but it is a huge plus when helping your child study. There are three major ways people learn: visually (by seeing), auditorily (by hearing) and kinesthetically (by doing). Flash cards do no good to a child who learns auditorily, unless of course they are reciting what it on the flash card. And making a kinesthetic learner sit while studying or doing homework is like hitting the off switch on their brain!

It sounds like a lot to know, but you really do not need a PhD. Two great books to start with are “The Organized Student”, by Donna Goldberg and “Every Child has a Thinking Style”, by Lanna Nakone.

Organizing is a life skill, not just for school. Inspiring this life-long skill in your children begins with a basic understanding of how they think and learn. To quote Maria Montessori “order is one of the needs of life, which, when it is satisfied, produces a real happiness”.

Raising a Respectful Child Begins at Home

mom-child

We all wish to grow healthy, happy relationships with our children. We interact, play and talk with our children to enjoy one another and feel connected. In those moments when we are in conflict with our kids at home, we wonder “What can I do to enhance my relationships with my children?”

One way to improve our relationships is to show that we honor one another. In its simplest terms, honor is the degree of value, worth and importance you place on a relationship. It is granting another person a position of value in your life. You likely model honor in your own home naturally. You are caring, loving and trustworthy. If you are ready to delve deeper, here are some steps to spring you forward in the depth and experience of teaching honor in your own home.

Honor begins at home here’s why:

1. You are your children’s finest role model. If you respect your children in your words and behaviors they learn to do the same with others.
2. Honor is about allegiance. When you teach your children to honor their relationships they become friends who stand up for one another, support one another and are true to each other.
3. Honoring honesty, hard work and patience builds children who value hard work and completing tasks to their rightful end.

Reflect for a moment: Do you honor your relationships? Is it important to you that people honor and give value to what you say and feel? How do you show your children that you honor them?

Here are some questions to ponder. You might even wish to write them in a journal and note what you do, when and why? This process will bring honor front of mind, help you monitor your tone and change your behavior as needed.

  • Do I talk with my children eye to eye?
  • Do I share their exuberance when they show me their schoolwork?
  • Do I make their lunches based on what’s quick or do I buy food that will keep them healthy, and that they in turn like?
  • Do I take phone calls in my car when I am with my children?
  • Do we make an effort to sit down to family breakfast and dinner?
  • Do I attend my children’s sporting events and pay attention to them, or do I take calls on my cell phone while my children are doing their best on the playing field?
  • Do I involve my children in the tasks of everyday life such as cleaning, cooking and caring for our home? Or do I tell them “I’ll do it” because that is easier than working through the process with them or dealing with pending messes?
  • Do I take the time to genuinely learn about my child’s interests?
  • Do I schedule my work hours when the children are at school or do I work at home all hours of the night when they are home and need me?
  • Do I focus on what my children do right rather than what my children do wrong?

No one is perfect, but when we strive to be mindful about how we honor our family, it builds trust, respect and love.

In relationships where we honor one another, listen to our children’s unique voices and really hear what they need, we improve how we communicate, how we express our love and how we get along across a lifetime.

If you are ready to take steps today try this:

1. Be consistent with your children.
2. Be attuned to their individual needs.
3. Respond to your children by getting off the couch, computer or phone and going to them. Proximity matters when you are communicating with your children.
4. Take your child’s concerns seriously. This means acknowledging their feelings. Do not mock or tease your children. Sarcasm is painful and it cuts deeply.
5. Match your child’s exuberance and excitement by sharing whole-heartedly in their joy.
6. Give your children your undivided attention in the moments they need you.

If we wish to raise ethical children in this complicated world, we need to begin with the lessons we teach at home. Being present, modeling respect and showing the meaning of honor is a solid start at any age.

Being a Mom and Having It All – Is that really possible?

super-mom

As a mother of 2 active and beautiful kids, 2 wild and crazy dogs, 2 busy businesses with a very supportive husband, it may look like I have it all together.  Well, maybe on the outside. But to make it all happen… to get things done… and to make sure nothing falls through the cracks is a pretty daunting task 24/7.  It requires the skills and the strength of a Super-Mom!

I always kid around about being a Super-Mom.  The mom that does it all, has it all and is successful at it ALL.  But, hey!  Am I kidding myself?  At one point, I had to stop (in exhaustion) and look around… I noticed a stressed out family. As they say, “when Mom’s happy, the house is happy.”  Well, when Mom is stressed-out, everyone can feel it!  Since I was so overwhelmed with trying to do it ALL, I didn’t seem to notice the little, precious things my kids where saying and doing each day!  I was missing the point!

And my aha moment came and I thought to myself, “This is NOT what my family needs – they don’t need me to be Super-Mom!”

Linda Anderson from Mom-to-Mom said it best:

“SuperMom, it turns out, would not really be that great a mom after all—even if she really did exist.  Why?  Because real kids do not need a SuperMom.

Why?  Because SuperMom is trying to do so many things, accomplish so much, fit so many things into her schedule, that she often misses the most important things.  The things—or rather the people, the husband and kids—right in front of her.

In addition, SuperMom tends to do way too much for her kids—to give them too much, to protect them too much, to hover too much.  At the same time she tends to expect too much from her kids just as she does from herself.  After all, a SuperMom must have SuperKids, right?  Talk about pressure!

No, your kids do not need SuperMom.  They need RealMom.  They need a real, authentic mom who acknowledges her human-ness, her limitations, even her mess-ups.  She is willing to apologize when needed, to live within healthy boundaries, and to learn along with her children.  RealMom laughs a lot more than SuperMom.

Most importantly, she is willing to acknowledge that she doesn’t “have it all.”  But she knows where to go to get what she needs.  No, she doesn’t have all wisdom, all strength, all patience, all knowledge.  But she knows the One who does have all these things.  The One Who promises to be strength in our weakness, wisdom in our confusion, and patience when ours has long ago run out.”

“Nuff said.  I hang my cape.

Twenty Things You Can Say “No” To

I’m sure this isn’t news to you, but sometimes we moms have a difficult time saying no. You would think that with all that practice during the Terrible Two’s, we would have that word down pat. “No” is arguably the most powerful word in the dictionary. But we can’t seem to utter it when we need it most.

My take—the biggest reason for this is guilt. We put such high expectations on ourselves to be everything for our families and others and we don’t want to let anyone down. We’re people pleasers by nature. So we say yes every time we’re asked to bake cupcakes or go on a field trip or teach Sunday school at the last minute. We also say yes when someone asks us to give away our products and services for free.

You know the routine. You reluctantly agree to coordinate the talent show at the elementary school. And because you are an amazing woman, you put on the most organized and entertaining show ever.  Then what happens?  You are nominated to do it again the following year. And the year after that. And the year after that. This would not be a problem if you actually enjoyed it.  But over time, your enthusiasm for the project diminishes and you’re left feeling obligated and resentful.

We bring this kind of torture on ourselves, you know. Nobody can force us to say yes in the first place. By saying yes and doing a great job, we establish a reputation as dependable and hard working. And this has the unwelcome side effect of attracting more “opportunities” to shine in the same way.

When we take on too many things, we don’t leave any space for ourselves. We don’t have any time to fulfill our life purpose. We don’t leave room to grow, to breathe and simply… to be. Imagine how it would feel to eliminate that one thing that is zapping all your personal energy right now! To freely and completely do what God is calling you to do without getting distracted by everyone else’s requests and expectations.

So, in the spirit of creating space in your life for growth and happiness, I hereby give you permission to say no to anything that no longer serves you and your family. Anything that is not truly in alignment with your values and goals. And the best part is that you can say no without guilt, because the Christian Mompreneurs are behind you, sister!

This means you are free to say “No” to:

  1. Volunteer work that doesn’t clearly support your values and goals;
  2. Email forwards that annoy you or distract you;
  3. Social invitations that are not in alignment with your values — or that distract you from achieving goals that are in alignment with your values;
  4. Clients or customers who don’t leave you feeling great about who you are and how you serve the world;
  5. Toxic relationships including friends and family who are negative, emotionally draining or abusive;
  6. Conversations that leave you feeling bad about yourself;
  7. The idea that someone else is better at what you do;
  8. Any community service project that you don’t embrace with a happy heart;
  9. Pro-bono work or bartering that does not fill your emotional piggy bank;
  10. The attachment to other people’s opinions of your choices;
  11. Annoying Facebook posts or games;
  12. Answering your cell phone;
  13. Returning phone calls and emails immediately;
  14. Birthday parties, afterschool activities, sports or events that you deem unnecessary or are simply too much to handle logistically;
  15. Sending birthday cards to everyone you’ve ever met;
  16. Contributing to every charity that you’ve ever been asked to support;
  17. Watching TV;
  18. Reading an entire book when you’ve already decided you don’t like it on Chapter 3;
  19. Anything that makes you roll your eyes or get that anxious pit in your stomach;
  20. The misguided belief that you have to say yes to everyone—all the time.

So what are you going to say no to this week? Let me know so I can cheer you on!

6 Questions to Ask Before You Start Your Next Diet

vegetables

Have you ever been one of those women that says “I’m going to start my diet on Monday so I’ll just enjoy myself now”? It’s come out of my mouth before. I’ve also started, stopped a diet and restarted the same one all in the same day before. It’s not uncommon, we decide we want to start a diet without really being ready. Diets don’t work, lifestyle changes do.

So, what do you need to do to get ready to lose weight?


See the tips below to determine if you’re really ready to invest in an eating or lifestyle change before you start your next diet:

1. Decisions, Decisions. Ask yourself if you’re ready to make lifestyle changes. Are you ready to do what you need to do to get where you want to go? A quick assessment will help you decide.

2. Are you ready to take it slow? Making lifestyle changes take some time. Habits take time to break. Knowing what will work for you takes time to figure out. Expecting fast results will only lead to disappointment and frustration when you don’t see the results you’re expecting.

3. Is this for REAL? Is the eating plan you’ve decide to follow realistic? Is it something you can follow in your day? Does it require a lifestyle change. How easy or difficult will the changes be? These are some things you need to consider before you jump in.

4. Ease into it. Fasting and detoxing can be tough on your body.  Be careful in choosing what you will do. Make sure the approach you are taking is appropriate for you.

5. Take Care of You. Have you been taking care of yourself? What’s your baseline? Have you had your check ups? Do you need to make significant changes or small ones? Along with looking at eating and lifestyle changes you can also look at what you need to do for further wellness.

6. Get Support. If you have been a chronic dieter or struggled with losing weight then you may need additional support. Working with a professional may be just what you need to get the ball rolling and make this the last time you need to lose weight and get back in balance.

Are you ready to start your next one or are you on one right now? What has worked for you before? Can you think of things that have gotten in the way?

Child-Like Point of View…Where Did It Go?

Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do.  ~Jean de la Bruyere~

Childlike-Like or befitting a child, as in innocence, trustfulness, or candor.

Remember the days when life was simple. The biggest decisions of the day were; shall I skip to my friend’s house, or walk? Or shall I dig for worms or catch fireflies? Now, as adults, we tend to worry about the future or regret our past decisions. We tend to have a hard time focusing on the moment.

One of the biggest rewards of spending time with children, is it allows you to see the world through their eyes. To go back to a time of innocence, and viewing the world as a new discovery. We can still have this, it just takes practice. It takes patience to step back, slow down, and look around. Stress Release Reminder’s stress management program reminds you to do this and maybe a helpful tool in this practice.

When you allow yourself to slow down you will discover new things.  Life does not have to be so busy, you create your mind-set.

Your schedule can still include the activities you want out of life, but looking at the environment, enjoying the surroundings, and observing nature helps you to slow down.

Childlike qualities are endless, but the ones that I wish to emulate are:

  • being present in the moment
  • letting go of worries I have no control of
  • not focusing on other people opinions of me
  • exploring my imagination and creativity
  • be more playful and allow myself to be silly and laugh
  • and live without judgment

So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us.  ~Gaston Bachelard~

Skipping, blowing bubbles, swinging on a park swing, making a snow angel, watching the clouds go by, picking clovers to make a necklace, playing a sport, watching a bird make its nest, digging for worms, catching fireflies, are all great past times. Try stepping out of your adult shoes, go barefoot and relive these cherished memories.

Mom Works Hard and Deserves It

moms-night-out-is-open-for-registration

It’s refreshing to see…

As I’m going out promoting this event and searching for high quality sponsors dedicated to improving the lives of moms, I’ve been privileged in meeting such passionate and supportive women.  I am so excited to work alongside them to make this event a HUGE success.

Why do I do this?  What keeps me going?

I’m looking at this cover of the OC Family magazine (Feb 2011 issue) and right on the cover it says, “Wellness for Moms…Show them your love by taking care of you”.  All too often, we take a lot on because we need to make sure that everything has been taken care of… and if something is lacking… we’ll figure out how to make it right or make it work.

But sometimes all that care-taking of others….just takes a toll on ourselves, which affects our mood, our physical health and vibrant perception on life.

That is why I’m on a mission to offer the motivation and the opportunities for moms to be able to take the time to be pampered, refill their bucket, renew the soul and sometimes just relax… and nothing more.

What a great message to express… Mom works hard and deserves to take care of herself regularly.

Join us in Long Beach on May 20, 2011. We’ll have a great time!

It’s Time… to Take Time.

happy group of women

Hey Moms!

It’s that time. No, not another birthday to plan nor an annual child-well check-up appointment to make. It’s time to take time for YOU. It’s called Rejuvenating your Self, Renewing your Soul and Relaxing your Mind. The MOST important person you MUST take care of is YOU. Because without us SuperMoms, the world as everyone knows it will hault! To say the least. :-)

As I speak with mothers everywhere, I see and hear that we as dedicated Moms do not take enough time for ourselves. And this includes me! But this year (2011), I made a pact with myself… to take regular “Me-Times”. And I have found when I take the time to rejuvenate, relax and let loose, I’m a better mother, wife, business woman and friend.

Here are some things that I have done (woot! woot!):

  • Gone dinner and dancing with some girlfriends, even though I feel out of place.
  • Planned activity days or nights with my family. And I promise that I don’t dare open my laptop (even for a second!).
  • Met friends for a few drinks.
  • Quite time for at least 5 minutes. Before I actually get out of bed, I spend at least 15 minutes in gratitude about everything around me.

Here are a few other ideas to get you out with your friends:

  • Start a mom club (i.e. exercise, book, business, play-dates). It’s an awesome way to connect with other moms in your community.
  • Plan a monthly night out. Pick different places or activities each month.
  • Schedule a Spa Day with fellow mom friends and neighbors. Ahhhhhh…. so relaxing.
  • Sign-up for wellness classes, business seminars and other self-development workshops.

Let’s not push ourselves to the back-burner. Everything turns out for the better when we take the time for ourselves.

What are some of the fun and relaxing activities you and your mom friends have done? Anything out of the ordinary?