You are here: Home / Archives for A Dad’s Point of View

How to Stay Cool to Your Kids

January 17, 2012 By


You want your kids to relate to you, right? You want to be cool, don’t you? Maybe you should try to relate to them? Novel idea. Do you remember all the DUMB things your parents liked and did? Do you really think you’re any different?

Every kid swears he or she will be a better parent than his or her own parents. And, as a kid, we know exactly what we’ll do better plus: we’ll be cool! We’ll like the same music as our kids. We’ll not get crazy about a tattoo or little ol’ piercing like our parents did!

BUT, most of us turn into our own parents, whether we like it or not. These are some tips that might bring back that cool kid you used to be. Warning: Follow these tips at your own peril!

Text

I have a good friend who has two boys. He said he didn’t need to bother with texting. He said his kids were young and he’d figure it out later. Well, those kids are now pre-teens and he’s lost. If you have a smart phone, maybe be smart and learn how to use it? My primary form of communication with my two teen boys is via text. My younger son’s only method of communicating with anyone is via text.

Facebook

By the time you read this, the next big thing may replace Facebook, but my guess is that it will still be around. I don’t know if it will be Google +, which apparently is hot and cold, depending on the day of the week. I don’t know if it will be Pinterest, another new social media network. But, there’s no question that Facebook is here – whether “to stay” is the long-term question but it is here now, without a doubt.

Like texting, the Steve’s of the world say they don’t need Facebook. Your kids live there. You should also. However there is an essential rule for parents: Be your kid’s “friend,” but don’t post or respond to anything on their wall! The moment you do, even if it’s nice, you’re toast. Watch and learn. Nothing else.

Learn the Lingo

Omg, idk, wtf, brb, and so many other acronyms are the language of many kids, probably yours also. Learn the lingo. Especially, PAW: Parents are watching and POS: Parents over shoulder.

Tweet Like the Birds

My favorite, ubiquitous, excuse for not being on Twitter is, “I don’t want to know where my friends are eating lunch,” or something similar. Mom, Dad, I don’t care what you think Twitter is or isn’t, that foolishness is going to distance you even further from your kids. If they tweet – you tweet.

Don’t EVER Say, “When I Was Your Age.”

The heading says it all. Did you like hearing that? ‘Nuff said.

Change Your Wardrobe More Than Once a Decade

I know those old flip-flops are really comfortable and those jeans you wore in high school still fit and you’re so very proud, but get with it. Polyester went out when disco went out. Pay attention to your clothes. Don’t look like the old foggy your kids know that you really are.

If Your Kids Like Lady Gaga, You Will Try to Like Lady Gaga

Whether you have girls that adore Justin Bieber or boys that like Lil’ Wayne, try to like their music. Most importantly, don’t tell them how Kiss and The Eagles, or whomever you liked when you grew up, are “real music.”

Stay Up Past 9:00 p.m.

The first sign to your teens that you are old, tired, and irrelevant is when you’re snoring at 9:00 p.m., whether in your favorite chair or in bed. Get up, get out, and show them that YOU know how to Par-Tay!

Trade in the Mini-Van for a Mini-Cooper

Unless you have The Brady Bunch, why do you need that BORING mini-van? Get a convertible! Have the car that your kid’s friends want to ride in. The more you’re with them, the more they’ll loosen up and talk. Then you learn. When they’re in your cool car, let them control the radio dial or MP3 hook-up. Be quiet. Be part of the upholstery. You will be amazed how quickly they’ll forget you’re driving and pretty soon say the most surprising thing. In the meantime, you’re the cool parent with the hot wheels.

Kiss in Front of the Kids

Show ‘em that mom and dad have the hots for each other and aren’t afraid to show it. Yes, every generation thinks they’ve discovered sex but show ‘em that dad and mom know a move or two! When you’re making love, don’t worry about making noise! That is what love is. Let ‘em know it!

As I always say with tips, lists, and stereotypes, there are exceptions to every rule and any one of the above ideas may not suit you, your family, or your kids. Pick and choose. But, don’t be afraid to show who you are, your vulnerabilities, your flaws, your nature. Relevance is honesty, humor, and hubris. Okay, hubris doesn’t fit, but it’s a great word.

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , , , ,

Three Wooden Crosses

December 9, 2011 By

Randy Travis
I have the joy of living across the street from a beautiful man-made lake. There is always roving fowl and other wildlife in and around the lake and it’s an ideal location for an early morning walk. Often, I listen to music and often I am inspired by ideas along the way. On recently hearing the Randy Travis song, Three Wooden Crosses, I had to write a seasonal column based on its message.

The first time I heard Three Wooden Crosses was at a Randy Travis concert just a few short years ago. The lyrics captivated me and it’s become a favorite song of mine ever since. Country music often tells stories that have heartwarming messages. I’m a sap for that stuff and I love it. And, the holiday season just magnifies those emotions for most of us.

Let’s take a look at the first words of this song, which begin telling the story:

A farmer and a teacher, a hooker and a preacher,
Ridin’ on a midnight bus bound for Mexico.
One’s headed for vacation, one for higher education,
An’ two of them were searchin’ for lost souls.
That driver never ever saw the stop sign.
An’ eighteen-wheelers can’t stop on a dime.

In a few short lines, we are on high alert that a tragedy is coming. We’ve met the characters and we’re hooked. Who will die? Who will survive? What lesson will we be told?

There are three wooden crosses on the right side of the highway,
Why there’s not four of them, Heaven only knows.
I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you,
It’s what you leave behind you when you go.

Ah! One person survives. Who is it? We don’t know yet. But, the chorus has revealed the heart of this song’s message and the part that GOT me, “it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you, it’s what you leave behind you when you go.”

Those of you that follow the A Dad’s Point-of-View Facebook Page know that every Sunday is #FaithSunday in which I ask the same question, “What are you doing to repair the world?” I then share a link to something that I hope is inspiring.

That expression about repairing the world comes from the biblical expression, “Tikkun Olam,” which literally means to repair the world and is expressed in the Bible as an obligation of our lives. When I began my second career as a writer, my first goal was to make a difference (in the lives of parents). So, this song and its message resonate very strongly with me.

No one on their deathbed wishes they’d worked more! No one on their deathbed wishes they’d had more possessions. No one on their deathbed wishes they’d had more fun. Mostly, we wish we’d spent more time with and touched our loved ones. And, mostly we hoped that our lives had some value and that the world was a better place for our having been here.

The song continues,

That farmer left a harvest, a home and eighty acres,
The faith an’ love for growin’ things in his young son’s heart.
An’ that teacher left her wisdom in the minds of lots of children:
Did her best to give ‘em all a better start.
An’ that preacher whispered: “Can’t you see the Promised Land?”
As he laid his bloodstained bible in that hooker’s hand.

Again, the song reels us in and we think that the hooker has died holding the preacher’s Bible. But, like every good country song, there’s a surprise a-comin’.

That’s the story that our preacher told last Sunday.
As he held that bloodstained bible up,
For all of us to see.
He said: “Bless the farmer, and the teacher, an’ the preacher”
“Who gave this Bible to my mamma,
“Who read it to me.

The first time that I heard this last part of the song, I was completely suckered in. I loved it. I had to immediately get the song and hear the story again. Again, that last line of the chorus struck me to the core:

I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you;
It’s what you leave behind you when you go.

As we head into the mania of the holiday season, I ask you to reflect a little less on the shopping and cheer, and a bit more on what your life purpose is. What impact do you want to leave the world? Is that promotion more important than attending your kid’s soccer games? If you miss that business convention to attend your daughter’s recital, will you miss anything of lasting importance? Have you helped someone in need or bought the newest iPhone?

What are you doing to Repair the World?

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Strategies to Neutralize Arguments with your Kids

November 29, 2011 By

Mom and son

Kids seem to be extremely adept at luring their parents into no-win arguments. They are determined and persistent when it comes to things they want (or don’t want) to have or buy or do. The more they carry on and push to get their way, the more we as adults feel like we have to dig in our heels and take a stand. We are the parents after all!

Well, as you’re surely aware, arguing leads to more arguing which leads to more arguing, and before you know it, you’re in a full blown yelling match, complete with ultimatums, tears, tantrums, and hurt feelings.

There’s a better solution, an approach that can help defuse the frustration and anger, and maybe, just maybe, leave your kids speechless!

Ok, maybe that’s too much to ask for, but with a few simple strategies, you can turn a potential argument into a civilized conversation that will result in calm, not chaos.

  1. First and foremost, stop! Before you lose control of your emotions, stop yourself from talking. If you aren’t talking then you can’t be yelling, threatening or losing control!
  2. Now, breathe & tell yourself and your child “no problem”. Take a deep breath! Then neutralize the anger you might be feeling by saying “no problem” out loud. It is the trigger to yourself that there is no need to allow this to escalate. It is also the trigger to your child that they have pushed too far and that there will be consequences for their poor decision.
  3. Give yourself permission to decide on a consequence later. So many parenting philosophies today suggest that a consequence or punishment must come immediately after the infraction – as if our children are not smart enough to link the two if time passes. Charles Fay of the Love & Logic Institute suggests that this is simply not true.
  4. Go dumb until you can think clearly of the appropriate consequence. I recommend this Love and Logic phrase, “I care about you too much to argue with you.” Even if your child continues to push buttons (“you don’t love me”, “my friends don’t have to do that”, “that is unfair”) you simply restate what you are willing to do…”I love you too much to argue with you”. When you kid sees that their strategy isn’t work they will eventually give up.

This strategy helps you keep (or regain) your composure and accept that you cannot control what others do. You can only control your own actions. Your child may continue to argue, cry, yell, and throw a fit, but by walking away to keep your cool, you’ve modeled a healthy way to handle conflict.

©2011, Kathy Jenkins, Come To Order

Filed Under: Home & Family Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Mom, I Have a Project Due Tomorrow!

October 24, 2011 By

Homework trouble

It’s Sunday night and you are looking forward to relaxing after a busy weekend when your kid comes rushing into the room, “I have a project due tomorrow and I can’t find my instructions. Do we have any poster board? Where are my markers?” And the race begins…

So often I get calls from parents who just don’t understand why their child can’t be organized, why they can’t plan ahead and it takes them hours to do homework. Bottom line is this, executive skills, such as organization, planning and time management are not fully developed until adulthood. Add to that, whatever is taught in school is inconsistent from teacher to teacher and is explained based on how each teacher thinks and learns. Organizing isn’t “one size fits all”. Creating systems that are tailored to your child’s thinking and learning style will make it easier for them to get and stay organized. In return, their organization will be one less stress in your life!

The brain is naturally divided into four areas, with each one performing a specific function, and everyone comes into this world with an advantage in one of these areas. We can see this by looking at the different ways kids act, react and interact with their world. For example, some kids want to do things themselves and excel at finishing what they start. Other kids may be so drawn to connecting with their friends that relationships triumph over most everything else. Then there are the kids who seem to have their heads in the clouds all the time, day dreaming about their next big idea. Finally there are the kids that show no reserve when it comes to telling others what to do. Identifying your child’s natural thinking style is the first step in creating organizational systems that provide a feeling of safety, support and confidence because they come so easy to them! It can also provide great insight as to why you and your child might see things so differently when it comes to organization.

Another important aspect is how your child learns. This is not only significant when it comes to teaching organization, or anything else for that matter, but it is a huge plus when helping your child study. There are three major ways people learn: visually (by seeing), auditorily (by hearing) and kinesthetically (by doing). Flash cards do no good to a child who learns auditorily, unless of course they are reciting what it on the flash card. And making a kinesthetic learner sit while studying or doing homework is like hitting the off switch on their brain!

It sounds like a lot to know, but you really do not need a PhD. Two great books to start with are “The Organized Student”, by Donna Goldberg and “Every Child has a Thinking Style”, by Lanna Nakone.

Organizing is a life skill, not just for school. Inspiring this life-long skill in your children begins with a basic understanding of how they think and learn. To quote Maria Montessori “order is one of the needs of life, which, when it is satisfied, produces a real happiness”.

Filed Under: Home & Family Tagged With: , , , ,

Kids On a Leash

September 27, 2011 By

kids-on-a-leash
Before you start getting upset at me, the title of this column is about much more than those kids we often see tethered to parent by a leash! Walking in a park the other day, my 14-year-old son pointed out a kid being controlled by just such a leash and thought it might make for a good column.

Do you teach your children self-reliance?

My first reaction was that it was too limited a topic until we discussed it further and both realized the metaphor this physical image inspired. So, with full credit to my youngest son, I realized what a great topic this could be given the degree of helicoptering and tethering my generation of parents have employed!

I’ve written a lot about the infantilazation of our teenagers by parents. Please note that “Infantilazation” is the second word in this column that has been rejected by my spell-check program as non-existent. Not even a suggestion of a better spelling for it or “Helicoptering,” yet I am willing to bet 90% of you know exactly of what I speak (or write, to be exact)!

Finding jobs is indeed harder than ever for teens today. But, given how many of them are spoiled rotten, do they even know the word, “Persistence” when it comes to looking for work? Both “Finding jobs” and “Persistence” have been subjects of previous “A Dad’s Point-of-View” columns. Their commonality is the reason d’être for this column. Teaching our kids independence is one of first jobs of dad and/or mom. Tying them up with a leash, whether literally or figuratively, is not included in the job description.

In defiance of the PC police, I will declare that I believe there is a bigger tendency towards “Helicoptering” from the estrogen side of the parenting equation. “Hovering,” “Control,” “Spoiled” all may come to play as well. Dads certainly have their share of gender traits that aren’t helping their kids, too. I’ll focus on the general notion of teaching kids to be independent rather than caring whether dad or mom may be the worst offender at this aspect of parenting.

Letting go is hard. But, teaching our kids that ability to not be dependent on mom or dad is essential to maturation and ultimate independence. Teaching financial tools, how to do laundry, basic cooking (and cleaning), are required skills for living on your own. There’s more to raising kids than learning to say “Thank you” and “Please” or to succeed in school and sports.

Faith and trust are not words often associated with parenting. But, in so many ways, if children have been raised with the skills necessary to be independent, then mom and dad should have “Faith” and “Trust” that the children can be independent and survive.

I experienced both faith and trust recently when I left my older son in charge of the house and dogs while my wife and our other son went to visit my in-laws. I chose to give Will the space to shine, the room to grow, and demonstrate his maturity by entrusting him to take care of the house and dogs. I was rewarded with regular check-ins from Will and, sadly, an unfortunate early morning call from him as well.

We have three dogs and one of them was quite old, Tache, and had become both weak and a bit senile and disoriented. Late on this particular evening, Will was looking for Tache late and couldn’t find her. He went outside, turned on the pool lights, and discovered her lying below the surface, in the shallow end. We believe she chose to end her life, but only God knows for sure.

Will called my wife and I immediately, shocked and scared, and unsure of what to do. We guided him through the challenging emotional process of pulling Tache out of the water, wrapping her cold body in towels, and gently placing her in the laundry room. I am writing this column, several hours later, in the waiting area of the airport gate of which my flight home is scheduled to depart.

My son needs my support now – in person. He’s demonstrated his capacity to handle the slings and arrows that life throws us all. I am proud of him for not panicking, not totally freaking out, and immediately knowing that calling us in the middle of the night was the right thing to do.

This is part of growing up. I wish I’d been there when Tache died. But, I wasn’t, nor can I be there for each and every tough time my boys will face. Teaching them to stand on their own is my job. And, it’s your job.

Don’t be that parent that keeps that baby/toddler leash on any longer than it is necessary. Again, I am not taking a position about the value of that physical leash itself, as I’ll leave that to the parenting experts. I am taking a position on letting children learn, grow, fail, and succeed, without mom and dad by their side every step of the way. Do your job and they will do theirs…

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Dear Diary…

June 7, 2011 By

girl-daydreaming

Dear Diary,

When I grow up, I am going to be the perfect mommy and I will have happy, talented and good-hearted children. I will always have a smile on my face and look “pretty.” I will be a great cookand my kids will happily devour everything I make for them. My children will play with each other and there will be no sibling rivalry. If they do have a misunderstanding, we will all sit down together and “work out the problem” as a team. They will listen to me and always do what I ask of them.

On top of all this, I will have an important job. I will work hard and have fun and never be too tired at the end of the day to play with my kids. I will win lots of awards for what I do and be interviewed by Jane Pauley on the Today Show.

And, let’s not forget, I will have the hunkiest, dreamiest husband to share it all with. He will have a good job and be a great dad. He will share responsibilities in the house and always be in a great mood. We will love each other forever.

Yours truly,

Jamee (age 16)

Before we experience something, we have an idea of what will happen. We create the idea out of what we see around us. If it is a positive idea, it is empowering. You might even say that we could create our reality out of certain very vivid ideas. But, at some point, reality may not match the experience we are having. It is what we do in that moment – when our idea is not matching our experience – that makes all the difference. In other words, we have a choice. If reality doesn’t match expectation, we can be upset , happy, curious, confused, alarmed, delighted or, name your emotion of choice.

As often as possible, when my reality is not matching my “idea,” I try to find the humor in the situation. Not because situations always warrant humor, but because finding the humor in things helps me to feel good. It’s as simple as that.

Here’s the reality:

When I grew up, a few of my ideas came true. For example, the part about the happy, talented, good-hearted children came true three times! So, clearly, I am now a mommy – but, I am far from perfect. I often smile, but I also grimace, frown, hold my nose, have my hair stand on end and stare in disbelief. I am not always “pretty.” I know this because, when I do put on make-up and “do” my hair, my daughter will look at me with pleasant astonishment and ask “why are you pretty today mommy?”

I am a great cook when I feel like it. The rest of the time I am just “o.k.” And the greatness of my cooking has nothing to do with whether my children will eat what I give them.

My children play with each other and they also fight with each other. Sometimes we try to get to the bottom of an issue, and at times, they are all banished to their separate corners while mommy takes a nap and tries to get rid of the raging headache she has from listening to them argue about which one was “first” or who “called it.”

My children do listen to me when I ask them to put a toy away, stop using the couch as a trampoline or turn down the TV. I just didn’t realize that they would happily listen to me say the same thing 12 times, before actually DOING it.

I do have a wonderful job. And there are days that leave me tired and stressed out. On those days, I am not able to give everything I want to both my work and my family – but the good days well outweigh the bad.

I haven’t won any awards and that doesn’t matter. And I think Jane Pauley is retired, but if Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera want to have a chat, I’m available.

That brings me to my hunky, dreamboat, Husband. That’s another “idea” I was right about.

COACH ME QUICK TIPS:

Write an entry in your diary as if you were 16 years old. What did you think would happen? What were you hoping for?
Where are those ideas matching reality and where are they different?
Where is reality better than the idea you had? Celebrate those items.
For the places in which reality does not look better than your idea, how can you view it from a
different perspective? Where can you find the humor or some learning?
Share your responses with someone close to you and learn what their perspective might be.
Find things to appreciate about your reality.

Filed Under: Mom-Empowerment Tagged With: , , , , , ,

What’s Real Discipline? It’s not something you do, but…

June 7, 2011 By

parenting

This might sound familiar, “I said, go to your room!” If that’s what happens in your home consider this. Many parents focus on punishment, calling it discipline. But discipline is something you teach your children not something you do to them. You may agree, but now you wonder, “Well how do I do it differently?”

When your efforts at parenting do not appear to be working, take a step back and look closely at what is going on. Observation leads to a better understanding of what poses difficulties for your child. Then you can put in place some strategies to better equip your child for success.

A really important concept I teach parents is the difference between behavior that stems from a child’s skill deficit and behavior that is from willful non-compliance.

First, let’s give The Family Coach Method definition for these two terms:

The Family Coach Method Definition: Skill deficit
(n.) With a skill deficit you are dealing with a child’s inability to exhibit the expected behavior in this time-frame and under these circumstances.

The Family Coach Method Definition: Willful Non-compliance
(n.) When a child who possesses a necessary skill set, obstinately and deliberately chooses not to exhibit behaviors required within a specific social, work, cultural, academic or family setting.

Many times we ask our children to exhibit behaviors for which they have not yet developed the skills. The process of examining your child’s ability to “do it” helps you to make sure you are fostering reasonable expectations of your child.

For Your Toolbox: “Can He/She Do It?”

This is an effective evaluation tool I use in my office and you can do at home. It works like this: Write down a specific behavior your child has had difficulty with in the past 48 hours. We’ll call this “the expected behavior.” Then, before enlisting your normal compliance strategies, ask yourself if your child possesses the skills necessary to complete the desired behavior. If the answer is yes, then expect it. If the answer is no, then teach it. It’s that easy.

Now, let’s look at one specific behavioral challenge: Sharing Toys

Step #1: What is the expected behavior?
“I expect my 5-year-old daughter to share her toys with her brother.”

Step #2: Can she do it?
Here are the kinds of things to look at as you consider the answer:
• Did I discretely define one behavior I am seeking my child to exhibit?
• Does my child have the requisite skills to exhibit this behavior?
• Are there any roadblocks that inhibit my child’s ability to exhibit the behavior? For example, did my child sleep well and eat well?
• Have I defined which toys are for sharing and which are personal and will not be played with by others?
• Have I told my child she may place special toys in a basket in her closet and those will be just her own, no sharing?
• If my child will share another toy, but not the requested toy, did I offer that alternative solution for the children?

Step #3: If yes, expect it.
If you determine that your child has the skills for the expected behavior, then expect it! You can ensure the behavior by clarifying expectations and establishing a time frame for sharing. It might look like this:
Parent: “Shiloh, James has asked to play your Nintendo. That is a toy we agreed we would share right now. You now have ten seconds to hand the toy to your brother.”

Step #4: If no, teach it.
If you determine that your child does not yet have the skills for the expected behavior, then teach it. Help the child to choose an alternate toy. Your child now has an opportunity to model sharing and practice sharing.
Parent: “Shiloh, James has asked to play your Nintendo. When will you be willing to let him play? In five minutes or in ten minutes?”

Take a peek at a behavioral challenge you have had with your child. Ask yourself, “Did my child have the skills to do as expected?” Most of the time, your child needs the cognitive skills, words and actions to make a different choice. When you understand the difference between skill deficits and willful non-compliance, the focus of your parenting shifts to teaching and away from frustration and anger.

Give it a try, you can do it! Your child will thank you.

Filed Under: Home & Family Tagged With: , , , ,

Two Words on a Two Way Street

June 7, 2011 By

thank you

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times, “I miss getting a real performance review and a raise!”  These words are not spoken by the typical employee who dons a pinstripe suit every morning only to march off to the office; they are the frustrated words of stay at home moms and dads who desperately desire to be acknowledged for their “job”.

Does it sound remotely familiar to hear emotionally bruising silence after a day of grocery shopping, cooking, baking and decorating cupcakes for the school party, cleaning, laundry, chauffeuring, making or cancelling appointments, paying the bills, running errands, juggling schedules, managing meltdowns, and well… you get the idea.

Oh what music to your ears it would be to hear those two special words “thank you” that can convey both a glowing performance review and a day’s wages all wrapped up in one tidy little package.  Of course, meaningful eye contact, a smile, or a hug that expresses heartfelt sincerity would be a welcome bonus.  After all, your job makes a ginormous difference in the sanity of your spouse, and the cultivation of future world citizens.

Are you getting enough “thank you” from your spouse or children for your 24/7 job?

If you feel a chilly void in the appreciation sector, do not feel alone.  As I mentioned, this is rather a universal issue.  In fairness, kids and spouses get wrapped up in their worlds, and because they know they can get away with it, sometimes… okay, frequently, they forget to thank the ones they love.  It’s not that they mean to take advantage of you; it’s just that they know you will forgive them and love them despite their shortcoming.  Okay so once again, you are nurturing and providing forgiveness and love without having your own needs met.  What should you do?

No beating around the bush here, demand your thank you!!  You darn well deserve it! Okay… demand might be a strong word so let’s change it.  How about teach?  How can you teach your family to appreciate your work and say thank you?  Would it be a felony to point out that you went to three different art stores to acquire the correct supplies for your child’s project, or that you spent hours scouring the internet for the perfect gifts perfectly priced for your spouse’s office staff during their holiday party, which, by the way you are preparing a home made casserole for?   Frankly, my darling, I think not!  Letting your loved ones know that you did your job with devotion is no crime.  By telling them that you would like for them to acknowledge your effort and deliver an occasional “thank you”, you are teaching them how to treat you.  However, as with anything, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.  This will require patience and a pleasant tone of voice.  You will need to assess moods, receptiveness to teaching, the time of day and the setting.  Your lessons will fall on deaf ears if you teach when a child is cranky or your spouse is exhausted.  Think about how you would like someone to teach you and follow your own wish list.

Okay… we’re almost done here.  The title of this blog is Two Words on a Two Way Street.  We’ve covered the two words (thank you) and now we’ll spend a moment on the two way street.  Yup!  You guessed it! You too must remember to thank your spouse and kids.  There is no better way to teach than by setting an example or practicing what you preach.

My son has a perturbing habit of leaving his drinking glass on the coffee table after he’s had an evening snack.  Shocker that last week he actually remembered to take it to the dishwasher.  In the morning, I made it a point to thank him and convey that simple things like him picking up after himself made my job easier.  I gave him a big bear hug and enjoyed the win-win situation.  The positive reinforcement he received makes it more likely that he will remember to continue taking his glass to the kitchen.

What about your spouse?  What words of thanks and appreciation can you deliver so as to foster your relationship?  What kind of reaction do you think you’ll get if you recognize their tedious work environment or hard work?  Maybe you can comment on the positive roles they play with your children.  You decide, but do try to convey sincere empathy.  Don’t you want heartfelt understanding for your own role as a stay at home parent?  My guess is that the more you convey thanks, the more you will receive it.

We are all thankful for many blessings in our lives.  Let’s look closely at the ones we live with and go out of our way to thank them and teach them to be thankful too.

Please share your comments and ideas in our community forum.

Filed Under: Home & Family Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Parental Hypocrisy Is Not a Good Parenting Style

June 7, 2011 By

bruce-sallan-skiing
I’m an avid skier and this past season I took on a role I never expected. I became the “helmet police,” whenever I saw people not wearing a helmet.  I did my police work in a polite, respectful manner, but I couldn’t help but get a bit more passionate when I confronted “Parental Hypocrisy” in its finest: with skiing parents and their kids.  Parental Hypocrisy is not taught in Parenting Classes or is a recommended Parenting skill or style.

It is amazing to me how many moms and dads will demand and require their children wear a helmet while not wearing one themselves. What are they teaching their children?  So, being the shy, retiring guy that I am, I will ask these moms and dads what they think about asking their children to wear a helmet, while not modeling that behavior.  Sometimes I get sheepish responses; sometimes I get “it’s none of your business” responses, and sometimes I just get blank looks.

My arguments for wearing a helmet are not just the typical safety ones. I use my personal story of surviving a bad ski accident, with a helmet, and quote my neurologist who said, “If you weren’t wearing a helmet, you would have been dead or worse.”  My other argument is the one that usually hits home as I ask the helmet-less person if they ever eat lunch, in the ski lodge? Of course, everyone says, “Yes.”

I then ask if they happen to notice what most of the college-age men and women are doing.  If they don’t answer, “drinking,” I remind them of those images we all have in ski lodges, at lunch, of lines of empty beer bottles/glasses in front of so many skiers and snow-boarders at lunchtime.  I then ask the “helmet-less” if they think that those beer drinkers, after they’ve consumed their 5 or 6 steins say to each other, “You know, I think it would be irresponsible of us to go out and ski now, don’t you think?”  At that point, the discussion is over.  Point, set, and match. Many people have actually immediately gone to their cars and got the helmets they left behind because “it’s such a pretty day” and I even ran into one guy, with his new helmet, weeks after we’d spoken.

Parental hypocrisy has existed as long as there have been parents. I imagine Abraham may have tried to discuss the danger of drinking too much with his six sons, but I wonder if he did it while drinking some wine?  Did King Tut admonish his sons about the dangers of driving a chariot after drinking too much, and then take his custom-made Mustang chariot, with the flame decals on its side, for a drive with Nephrite, while swigging from his bota bag?

Thinking a bit more contemporary, do you think that Martin Sheen tried to teach his son, Charlie, the wisdom of moderation? Or, did Kirk Douglas teach Michael the virtue of fidelity, and walk the walk at the same time?

I have proclaimed repeatedly, in print and on radio, how our children watch what we do carefully, all the time, and with great impact.  There isn’t much we parents do that our children, especially once they’re in their teens, do not know that we do.  Don’t be naïve.  Model the behavior you want them to live.  Don’t be a parental hypocrite.

Let’s talk about some of the most common examples: drinking, smoking, and drugs.  Parent who drink must know that they must demonstrate responsible drinking if they ever have the least hope or expectation that their children will do the same.  That means you don’t drink and drive.  If, God forbid, you get a DUI then you must take full responsibility for it, pay the consequences, change your behavior, and be honest about all of it with your children, assuming they are old enough to understand it.

If you drink and your behavior when drinking is not pleasant, consider going to AA yourself or moderating your drinking.  The kids see how you act and it’s not a lesson you want them to learn (from you) at all!

Smoking cigarettes is much the same thing.  How can you possibly expect your children not to smoke if you do?

As for drugs, especially marijuana, this is a classic example where parents may think that they might be able to fool their children and imbibe in private without them knowing.  Forget it – they will know.  Just like you will find out if/when they drink or do drugs.  Whether it’s the smell, a leftover ash or device, or any other residue inadvertently discovered or purposely found by your children, they will find out.  Your kids are as smart as you are.

When I said “purposely” in the previous paragraph, it was a deliberate choice of words.  Your kids like to explore your private living areas.  Again, don’t be naïve.  If you have a stash of drugs, liquor, pornography, or any other vice, they will likely discover it.  So, again I say, you must model the behavior you want your kids to learn.

It’s best that you walk the walk and talk the talk.

Filed Under: A Dad's Point of View Tagged With: , , , , ,

18 – X is Less than you Thought!

May 31, 2011 By

kid-growing-up

Don’t worry. The math is simple. 18 is the age when your child leaves for college. “X” is his / her current age. Subtract “X” from 18 and the answer you get is the number of years you have left with your “baby” under your roof and under your guidance.

I nearly drove off the road when I calculated this simple math problem years ago! My answer was seven and it just wasn’t enough!

My son… whom I affectionately refer to, as “His Royal Highness” was 11 years old and I came to the shocking realization that I only had him home for 7 more years. Most of those would be the “dreaded teen years” and I wondered how much of his attention and allegiance would be toward his family versus his friends, school, sports, and of course the world of electronics. Where did all the time go? I had my first real panic attack and no brown bag to breathe in!

It took a good three days before I had a handle on my mathematical epiphany. I asked myself many questions.
Had I been a good enough parent? Had I used my time well up until now? What more did I need to accomplish so he would be ready… really ready, to go out in to the world on his own?

I decided that I was a pretty good parent. My son got along well with other kids and adults, was polite (in public) and got great grades. But deep in my heart I knew that my husband and I needed to do more than these basics to truly prepare him for his future independence. We could only rely on schools to teach him how to pass academic tests. When it came to passing the tests of life, it was up to us as his parents to teach him. We had 7 years left to do our job and have His Royal Highness comprehensively prepared to go out in to the real world when he left for college at age 18.

But where was I to begin? I realized I had so much to accomplish and I wished I had started earlier. I wanted my son to learn simple tasks like laundry and ironing. He needed knowledge on how to manage a bank account, balance a checkbook, save and invest money responsibly, and understand the concept of restraint when using credit cards.

I wanted to teach him skills with which he could manage challenging emotions like anger, frustration, and disappointment, not only his own, but in difficult people that he would surely meet. He needed people skills and life skills. Leadership, initiative, motivation, the art of diplomacy, and altruism also made the list that grew and grew.

I made a sincere commitment to be not only a mom, but also a teacher and a coach. With each new day I would identify and utilize windows of opportunity to impart skills and knowledge on life that would help His Royal Highness to pass the tests of life. Experience, confidence and ability would be his to keep forever.

I chose to share my epiphany in this blog so that other parents can think about what life knowledge and life skills they would like to impart to their kids. The sooner you start the better because 18 – X is happening right now!

Please feel free to share your thoughts in our community forum.

Happiness to all!

Filed Under: Home & Family Tagged With: , , , ,
« Older Posts