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Strategies to Neutralize Arguments with your Kids

November 29, 2011 By

Mom and son

Kids seem to be extremely adept at luring their parents into no-win arguments. They are determined and persistent when it comes to things they want (or don’t want) to have or buy or do. The more they carry on and push to get their way, the more we as adults feel like we have to dig in our heels and take a stand. We are the parents after all!

Well, as you’re surely aware, arguing leads to more arguing which leads to more arguing, and before you know it, you’re in a full blown yelling match, complete with ultimatums, tears, tantrums, and hurt feelings.

There’s a better solution, an approach that can help defuse the frustration and anger, and maybe, just maybe, leave your kids speechless!

Ok, maybe that’s too much to ask for, but with a few simple strategies, you can turn a potential argument into a civilized conversation that will result in calm, not chaos.

  1. First and foremost, stop! Before you lose control of your emotions, stop yourself from talking. If you aren’t talking then you can’t be yelling, threatening or losing control!
  2. Now, breathe & tell yourself and your child “no problem”. Take a deep breath! Then neutralize the anger you might be feeling by saying “no problem” out loud. It is the trigger to yourself that there is no need to allow this to escalate. It is also the trigger to your child that they have pushed too far and that there will be consequences for their poor decision.
  3. Give yourself permission to decide on a consequence later. So many parenting philosophies today suggest that a consequence or punishment must come immediately after the infraction – as if our children are not smart enough to link the two if time passes. Charles Fay of the Love & Logic Institute suggests that this is simply not true.
  4. Go dumb until you can think clearly of the appropriate consequence. I recommend this Love and Logic phrase, “I care about you too much to argue with you.” Even if your child continues to push buttons (“you don’t love me”, “my friends don’t have to do that”, “that is unfair”) you simply restate what you are willing to do…”I love you too much to argue with you”. When you kid sees that their strategy isn’t work they will eventually give up.

This strategy helps you keep (or regain) your composure and accept that you cannot control what others do. You can only control your own actions. Your child may continue to argue, cry, yell, and throw a fit, but by walking away to keep your cool, you’ve modeled a healthy way to handle conflict.

©2011, Kathy Jenkins, Come To Order

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Kids On a Leash

September 27, 2011 By

kids-on-a-leash
Before you start getting upset at me, the title of this column is about much more than those kids we often see tethered to parent by a leash! Walking in a park the other day, my 14-year-old son pointed out a kid being controlled by just such a leash and thought it might make for a good column.

Do you teach your children self-reliance?

My first reaction was that it was too limited a topic until we discussed it further and both realized the metaphor this physical image inspired. So, with full credit to my youngest son, I realized what a great topic this could be given the degree of helicoptering and tethering my generation of parents have employed!

I’ve written a lot about the infantilazation of our teenagers by parents. Please note that “Infantilazation” is the second word in this column that has been rejected by my spell-check program as non-existent. Not even a suggestion of a better spelling for it or “Helicoptering,” yet I am willing to bet 90% of you know exactly of what I speak (or write, to be exact)!

Finding jobs is indeed harder than ever for teens today. But, given how many of them are spoiled rotten, do they even know the word, “Persistence” when it comes to looking for work? Both “Finding jobs” and “Persistence” have been subjects of previous “A Dad’s Point-of-View” columns. Their commonality is the reason d’être for this column. Teaching our kids independence is one of first jobs of dad and/or mom. Tying them up with a leash, whether literally or figuratively, is not included in the job description.

In defiance of the PC police, I will declare that I believe there is a bigger tendency towards “Helicoptering” from the estrogen side of the parenting equation. “Hovering,” “Control,” “Spoiled” all may come to play as well. Dads certainly have their share of gender traits that aren’t helping their kids, too. I’ll focus on the general notion of teaching kids to be independent rather than caring whether dad or mom may be the worst offender at this aspect of parenting.

Letting go is hard. But, teaching our kids that ability to not be dependent on mom or dad is essential to maturation and ultimate independence. Teaching financial tools, how to do laundry, basic cooking (and cleaning), are required skills for living on your own. There’s more to raising kids than learning to say “Thank you” and “Please” or to succeed in school and sports.

Faith and trust are not words often associated with parenting. But, in so many ways, if children have been raised with the skills necessary to be independent, then mom and dad should have “Faith” and “Trust” that the children can be independent and survive.

I experienced both faith and trust recently when I left my older son in charge of the house and dogs while my wife and our other son went to visit my in-laws. I chose to give Will the space to shine, the room to grow, and demonstrate his maturity by entrusting him to take care of the house and dogs. I was rewarded with regular check-ins from Will and, sadly, an unfortunate early morning call from him as well.

We have three dogs and one of them was quite old, Tache, and had become both weak and a bit senile and disoriented. Late on this particular evening, Will was looking for Tache late and couldn’t find her. He went outside, turned on the pool lights, and discovered her lying below the surface, in the shallow end. We believe she chose to end her life, but only God knows for sure.

Will called my wife and I immediately, shocked and scared, and unsure of what to do. We guided him through the challenging emotional process of pulling Tache out of the water, wrapping her cold body in towels, and gently placing her in the laundry room. I am writing this column, several hours later, in the waiting area of the airport gate of which my flight home is scheduled to depart.

My son needs my support now – in person. He’s demonstrated his capacity to handle the slings and arrows that life throws us all. I am proud of him for not panicking, not totally freaking out, and immediately knowing that calling us in the middle of the night was the right thing to do.

This is part of growing up. I wish I’d been there when Tache died. But, I wasn’t, nor can I be there for each and every tough time my boys will face. Teaching them to stand on their own is my job. And, it’s your job.

Don’t be that parent that keeps that baby/toddler leash on any longer than it is necessary. Again, I am not taking a position about the value of that physical leash itself, as I’ll leave that to the parenting experts. I am taking a position on letting children learn, grow, fail, and succeed, without mom and dad by their side every step of the way. Do your job and they will do theirs…

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Two Words on a Two Way Street

June 7, 2011 By

thank you

If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a thousand times, “I miss getting a real performance review and a raise!”  These words are not spoken by the typical employee who dons a pinstripe suit every morning only to march off to the office; they are the frustrated words of stay at home moms and dads who desperately desire to be acknowledged for their “job”.

Does it sound remotely familiar to hear emotionally bruising silence after a day of grocery shopping, cooking, baking and decorating cupcakes for the school party, cleaning, laundry, chauffeuring, making or cancelling appointments, paying the bills, running errands, juggling schedules, managing meltdowns, and well… you get the idea.

Oh what music to your ears it would be to hear those two special words “thank you” that can convey both a glowing performance review and a day’s wages all wrapped up in one tidy little package.  Of course, meaningful eye contact, a smile, or a hug that expresses heartfelt sincerity would be a welcome bonus.  After all, your job makes a ginormous difference in the sanity of your spouse, and the cultivation of future world citizens.

Are you getting enough “thank you” from your spouse or children for your 24/7 job?

If you feel a chilly void in the appreciation sector, do not feel alone.  As I mentioned, this is rather a universal issue.  In fairness, kids and spouses get wrapped up in their worlds, and because they know they can get away with it, sometimes… okay, frequently, they forget to thank the ones they love.  It’s not that they mean to take advantage of you; it’s just that they know you will forgive them and love them despite their shortcoming.  Okay so once again, you are nurturing and providing forgiveness and love without having your own needs met.  What should you do?

No beating around the bush here, demand your thank you!!  You darn well deserve it! Okay… demand might be a strong word so let’s change it.  How about teach?  How can you teach your family to appreciate your work and say thank you?  Would it be a felony to point out that you went to three different art stores to acquire the correct supplies for your child’s project, or that you spent hours scouring the internet for the perfect gifts perfectly priced for your spouse’s office staff during their holiday party, which, by the way you are preparing a home made casserole for?   Frankly, my darling, I think not!  Letting your loved ones know that you did your job with devotion is no crime.  By telling them that you would like for them to acknowledge your effort and deliver an occasional “thank you”, you are teaching them how to treat you.  However, as with anything, it’s not what you say, but how you say it.  This will require patience and a pleasant tone of voice.  You will need to assess moods, receptiveness to teaching, the time of day and the setting.  Your lessons will fall on deaf ears if you teach when a child is cranky or your spouse is exhausted.  Think about how you would like someone to teach you and follow your own wish list.

Okay… we’re almost done here.  The title of this blog is Two Words on a Two Way Street.  We’ve covered the two words (thank you) and now we’ll spend a moment on the two way street.  Yup!  You guessed it! You too must remember to thank your spouse and kids.  There is no better way to teach than by setting an example or practicing what you preach.

My son has a perturbing habit of leaving his drinking glass on the coffee table after he’s had an evening snack.  Shocker that last week he actually remembered to take it to the dishwasher.  In the morning, I made it a point to thank him and convey that simple things like him picking up after himself made my job easier.  I gave him a big bear hug and enjoyed the win-win situation.  The positive reinforcement he received makes it more likely that he will remember to continue taking his glass to the kitchen.

What about your spouse?  What words of thanks and appreciation can you deliver so as to foster your relationship?  What kind of reaction do you think you’ll get if you recognize their tedious work environment or hard work?  Maybe you can comment on the positive roles they play with your children.  You decide, but do try to convey sincere empathy.  Don’t you want heartfelt understanding for your own role as a stay at home parent?  My guess is that the more you convey thanks, the more you will receive it.

We are all thankful for many blessings in our lives.  Let’s look closely at the ones we live with and go out of our way to thank them and teach them to be thankful too.

Please share your comments and ideas in our community forum.

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What Do You Do When Life’s A Blur?

May 27, 2011 By

blur

Recently my son and I were having a conversation and afterward all I could think was how great it was to be totally in tune to what he was saying.  Not only did I hear what he said but we sat together and actually worked on a solution to a problem that needed resolution. Do you know what was great about it? The fact that I was completely present and he knew it. Now I have to admit that there have been times as a working mom that I wasn’t always listening. Maybe I was pretending to but I truly wasn’t listening like I should have been.

My life was a blur. A complete out of control and downward spiral of a blur. The worst part about it was that I didn’t know how to make it stop. Instead of figuring out how to manage my hectic life and schedule I just kept adding more and more on. I didn’t say no to anything in my life and I suffered for it with a significant amount of stress.  I didn’t think my kids noticed or maybe I just didn’t want them to but kids are so observant. They could sense my stress level and they could see right through my fake smiles but I unfortunately for a while I don’t think I smiled or laughed as often as I should have.

That’s all changed for a variety of reasons. I now place a very high value on my relationships and health. My kids are teens now and in a few years they will be in college and then on their own. When I realized that I didn’t want my life with them to be a blur I began to change. Little by little I made much better choices in all aspects of my life. I chose a job that had a shorter commute so that I could be with them more. I was able to work in a job with flexibility so that it would allow me to be at their sports games and school events. But most importantly as a family we made sure that no matter what we always had dinner together. Dinner is a time for us to catch up, relax and enjoy our time together. There’s no t.v., no telephones and no heavy topics. Most importantly it’s a time for us to be together.

If you’re feeling like life has been a blur lately it could be time to that you look at how you can slow down. To learn where to start grab my free “Live Smarter Lifestyle Kit” at www.jeanniespiro.com and start living and enjoying your life because it’s worth it!

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Sir Paul McCartney and My Son!

April 27, 2011 By

paul mcartney

Seventeen years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing and hearing Paul McCartney and Wings in concert. The head to toe goose bumps I felt while hearing my favorite Beatle made me feel like my life was, well… “complete”.  I could surely die a happy woman!  The concert was by far, the best one I had ever, ever been to.  The best, that is, until last night.  Last night, I saw Sir Paul perform live again, but this time, my husband and my son were with me.  I got “completed” even better than the first time.

It’s really pretty simple.  My (nearly) 14 year old son chose, without reservation, to let his parents be a part of his very first concert experience.  Sure, it helped that he liked the music we played at home and the fact that we splurged on his expensive ticket, but he could have simply turned us down in favor of a first concert experience with his cohorts… the way most teenagers do it today!  He chose us and we were touched that we could share this “milestone” with him.

So I’d like to ask, “What milestones would you like to share with your children”? “What can you begin to do today to actually pursue this goal?” And while I’m asking questions….

Do you remember your first concert?  Would you have shared the experience with your parents?  Would you like to share this type of experience with your kids?  Why, or why not?

Our experience included being shoulder to shoulder with forty thousand people and getting completely soaked after a heavy 10 minute downpour.  We rocked as a family to “Let it Be”, and sang and screamed for two and a half hours until we lost our voices.  There was even time for a little “parenting” when we had to explain to our son that the “funny smell” he had never smelled before was pot!  Yes, we had a quick discussion on why it is best to “Just Say No” to drugs!  Overall the crowd was tame, but we got to point out how silly drunks looked when they couldn’t walk straight, or just fell down.  Our son probably could have made all these assessments on his own, but we were glad to have been there as guides.  We were also glad we asked him about going to the concert in the first place.  If we hadn’t taken this step and “tried”, we would have never experienced this particular bond in the way that we did.

Of course, we are always parents first and I’m not suggesting we seek back to back opportunities to be our kid’s best friend but I encourage all parents to try to open windows of opportunity to experience friendship with their kids. Even if you think they’ll turn you down, what’s the harm in trying?  If it works, they might just think you’re “cool” and even find you “approachable” to solicit your “parental wisdom”.

In the end, we were just so grateful to have shared a wonderful evening with our young teenager who is rapidly showing us what a great young man he is turning in to and how he values his parents despite our being “parents”.  We had a great friendship between us last night.  Laughter, love, learning, cuddling to stay warm and dry from the rain, and great music made us a very happy family enjoying a very magical night.

Of course tomorrow is another day.  There will likely be scolding about an unmade bed and piles of clothes on the floor.  There might be greater issues that define our roles as defiant teenager and “mean” parent, but for now I must simply just say “thanks” not just to Sir Paul, but to my son, who made the night rock in more ways than one!

Thanks son.

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The 5-Minute Solution for Multi-Tasking Mamas

April 21, 2011 By

carolyn-barnes-multi-tasking-mom

What do we want our children to take away from their time with us?  We do so much to make their lives rich.  We love, support and care for them.  We keep them organized, help them with challenges and introduce them to our world.  But, what if our greatest impact is not what we do, but who we are being when we are with them?

What if all of the doing that is so well intentioned, is but a drop in the bucket compared to what they observe in us?

If I look at what my children see me do, I can see areas that I am proud of and also areas that need work.  For example, I am kind and courteous to the people I come into contact with throughout my day.  I don’t snap at waiters who bring the wrong order or hang up the phone on the people who solicit during the dinner hour.   Subsequently, I see those behaviors in my children as they mature and grow into compassionate citizens of our world.
And then there are those areas in which I have some challenges to overcome.  For example, I like to get things done quickly and if I am busy and my kids are not moving at my speed, I can get impatient with them.  One of my biggest challenges has always been to allow enough time for my kids to go at their own pace.

I can park the car and be in the kitchen with 5 bags of groceries put away before my children have gathered their belongings and meandered down the front walk.  I multi-task naturally and enjoy the sport of efficiency.  That is how I am wired. And, in fact, our culture applauds that wiring so I can pat myself on the back as I simultaneously put my seatbelt on, start the car, open the garage and back out.

But what are my children learning? They see that at times, unless they go at my speed,  they will be met with frustration and impatience.   And what is all this about?  Primarily, I am trying to get everything done for them, our home and our lives together!  And in the process, I am teaching them intolerance and modeling a style of motherhood that is tense and no fun.   Does it matter that dinner is on the table if getting it there was a crazed and harried experience for all of us?

So, I’ve started to think about any given day and dividing it into doing and being. The doing is easy to list.  I make lunches for my children that I hope they will enjoy.  I make sure they have the clothes they need and that they have opportunities to play with friends.  I am interested in their school day and help them with their homework.  I do things out of my love and commitment for them.  It is easy.

But here is the hard part; taking the time to pay attention to who I am being. If I am running late in the morning, and in a rush to get the kids out of bed, what impact does that have?   If I don’t leave enough time to help my daughter with a last minute homework problem or a clothing crisis, then what is the experience she will take to school?  If I consistently get my son to school just in time to run in before the bell rings, what has he learned about taking the time to prepare for his day?

So here is my strategy: I call it the 5-minute solution.

I am adding 5 minutes to everything I do in my day.  If I think we should leave for school at 8:00am, we are leaving at 7:55am.  If I think the kids should be able to get dressed in 10 minutes, I am allowing 15.  When I wake my kids up in the morning, I am allowing more time for them to actually get up.

So far, it is working well.  I am more often, the patient mother I want to be.

That is worth a pat on the back!

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