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How to Stay Cool to Your Kids

January 17, 2012 By


You want your kids to relate to you, right? You want to be cool, don’t you? Maybe you should try to relate to them? Novel idea. Do you remember all the DUMB things your parents liked and did? Do you really think you’re any different?

Every kid swears he or she will be a better parent than his or her own parents. And, as a kid, we know exactly what we’ll do better plus: we’ll be cool! We’ll like the same music as our kids. We’ll not get crazy about a tattoo or little ol’ piercing like our parents did!

BUT, most of us turn into our own parents, whether we like it or not. These are some tips that might bring back that cool kid you used to be. Warning: Follow these tips at your own peril!

Text

I have a good friend who has two boys. He said he didn’t need to bother with texting. He said his kids were young and he’d figure it out later. Well, those kids are now pre-teens and he’s lost. If you have a smart phone, maybe be smart and learn how to use it? My primary form of communication with my two teen boys is via text. My younger son’s only method of communicating with anyone is via text.

Facebook

By the time you read this, the next big thing may replace Facebook, but my guess is that it will still be around. I don’t know if it will be Google +, which apparently is hot and cold, depending on the day of the week. I don’t know if it will be Pinterest, another new social media network. But, there’s no question that Facebook is here – whether “to stay” is the long-term question but it is here now, without a doubt.

Like texting, the Steve’s of the world say they don’t need Facebook. Your kids live there. You should also. However there is an essential rule for parents: Be your kid’s “friend,” but don’t post or respond to anything on their wall! The moment you do, even if it’s nice, you’re toast. Watch and learn. Nothing else.

Learn the Lingo

Omg, idk, wtf, brb, and so many other acronyms are the language of many kids, probably yours also. Learn the lingo. Especially, PAW: Parents are watching and POS: Parents over shoulder.

Tweet Like the Birds

My favorite, ubiquitous, excuse for not being on Twitter is, “I don’t want to know where my friends are eating lunch,” or something similar. Mom, Dad, I don’t care what you think Twitter is or isn’t, that foolishness is going to distance you even further from your kids. If they tweet – you tweet.

Don’t EVER Say, “When I Was Your Age.”

The heading says it all. Did you like hearing that? ‘Nuff said.

Change Your Wardrobe More Than Once a Decade

I know those old flip-flops are really comfortable and those jeans you wore in high school still fit and you’re so very proud, but get with it. Polyester went out when disco went out. Pay attention to your clothes. Don’t look like the old foggy your kids know that you really are.

If Your Kids Like Lady Gaga, You Will Try to Like Lady Gaga

Whether you have girls that adore Justin Bieber or boys that like Lil’ Wayne, try to like their music. Most importantly, don’t tell them how Kiss and The Eagles, or whomever you liked when you grew up, are “real music.”

Stay Up Past 9:00 p.m.

The first sign to your teens that you are old, tired, and irrelevant is when you’re snoring at 9:00 p.m., whether in your favorite chair or in bed. Get up, get out, and show them that YOU know how to Par-Tay!

Trade in the Mini-Van for a Mini-Cooper

Unless you have The Brady Bunch, why do you need that BORING mini-van? Get a convertible! Have the car that your kid’s friends want to ride in. The more you’re with them, the more they’ll loosen up and talk. Then you learn. When they’re in your cool car, let them control the radio dial or MP3 hook-up. Be quiet. Be part of the upholstery. You will be amazed how quickly they’ll forget you’re driving and pretty soon say the most surprising thing. In the meantime, you’re the cool parent with the hot wheels.

Kiss in Front of the Kids

Show ‘em that mom and dad have the hots for each other and aren’t afraid to show it. Yes, every generation thinks they’ve discovered sex but show ‘em that dad and mom know a move or two! When you’re making love, don’t worry about making noise! That is what love is. Let ‘em know it!

As I always say with tips, lists, and stereotypes, there are exceptions to every rule and any one of the above ideas may not suit you, your family, or your kids. Pick and choose. But, don’t be afraid to show who you are, your vulnerabilities, your flaws, your nature. Relevance is honesty, humor, and hubris. Okay, hubris doesn’t fit, but it’s a great word.

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A Dirty Little Parenting Secret

May 25, 2011 By

man-hiding-face-with-fingers

Let’s call it “Dramatic license,” as I totally adore my family and wouldn’t trade them or my life with anyone else, but at this moment, time, and place, I don’t like them very much.

Just as movies often put up a title card that says, “Based On a True Story,” and we know the filmmakers may be playing loose with the facts, so it is with this column.  Sibling rivalry is prevalent but, it’s my “dirty little parenting secret” that not only do siblings fight but parents occasionally just don’t like one kid or another, every now and then.

For that matter, every marriage has its times when one partner just doesn’t like the other partner.  How we deal with those moments define us, ultimately, and I’m just using my writing platform to vent a little, so forgive me, please?

Let’s start with some random complaints that I’m hearing lately:

Son #1 – “It’s not fair.”

Son #2 – “It’s my brother’s fault!”

Wife – “My feelings are hurt.”

Son #1 – “Why do I have to do that?”

Son #2 – “I forgot.”

Wife – “Why did you leave that dish in the sink?”

Son #1 – “Get it yourself!”

Son #2 – “I don’t care what you think.”

Wife – “You love your computer more than you love me.”

Get the picture? I have one response to them:  AAARRRGGGHHH!!

Let’s face it, all spouses and parents go through periods where they just want to be left alone, not be badgered, do their own thing, and pretend for at least one night that the whole world isn’t ragging on them.

That is what this dad/husband wants RIGHT NOW!

I am sure I am not alone. I was a single dad for many years and for single parents, there is often not much relief.  I had no family to pass the kids to, as my parents were deteriorating when my boys’ mother left.  Friends pretty much vanished during those darks divorce days, and my only regular comfort came from my dogs.

Hmmm, my dogs.  Now, there I get love, support, and unconditional and regular affection.  Ahhhh.  I don’t get the “Ugh” when I want to give my younger son a hug.  I don’t get “You’re gross” or anything resembling that comment.  I may get licked, but I don’t get lip.

So, the dirty little parenting secret is simply there are times when we just don’t like our kids very much.  It starts somewhere around age 13 and may last a decade or so. I hope not but that is what my mom suffered with me! I suppose, as I’ve said and written before, I’m just getting double payback.

As for my wife, she’s had to deal with a load of changes that she never anticipated.  The men she dated before she met me were largely my age but with grown children.  She did not expect to be the step-mom to two boys living at home 24/7.  But, she had the unfortunate misfortune to fall in love with me!  Little did she know what she’d get!  Granted, I take the primary parenting role, day-to-day, but she does more than her share.

My wife is wonderful and if she could just stop with the “My feeling are hurt,” whenever I do something that I have no idea I’ve done, she’d be truly a “10!”

Actually, she’s a “10” cook, a “10” beauty, a “10” decorator/household manager, and many more “10’s.”  She’s just a bit lower on the scale with the hurt feelings mantra.

Is it a woman thing? I suppose so.  Don’t scream at me.  Women have hurt feelings more often than men.  Men just want to fix it and be done with it.  And, that is where my brain goes with any and every problem or conflict in my home.

But, right now, I’m tired and I can’t fix anything.  I might be able to change a light bulb and I do control what I eat for breakfast but I don’t seem to have any impact on my complaining family.

Wouldn’t this be a better set of comments/words/questions from my family?

Son #1 – “Hey Dad, wanna come with me to see a movie?”

Son #2 – “Dad, let’s go out to lunch together and just talk!”

Wife – “Honey, your current “A Dad’s Point-of-View” column is so good!”

Son #1 – “Dad, would you scratch my back, please?”

Son #2 – “I really love that new comic on your web-site…it’s really funny.”

Wife – “What would you like for dessert, Dear?”

Son #1 – “Do you need help with anything?”

Son #2 – “I just commented on your blog, Dad, ‘cause it was so cool.”

Wife – “I really think you’re a terrific writer and that’s a very nice haircut, Honey.”

I can dream, can’t I?

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When Is Rude, Rude?

May 3, 2011 By

Every generation seems to have its standards of proper behavior and every generation tends to judge the next generation by their own generation’s standards.  How often does a parent say something like, “When I was your age, we never did…” or “If I did that, my parents would…” I found myself doing exactly that when some good friends whom I like very much came over for a visit.

These are long-standing friends so the incidents I’m describing must be understood in that context. While I found certain behavior a tad off-putting, I value these friends very much.  So, if these “friends” happen to read this column and figure out that it’s them I’m loosely describing, please know that I care for you very much. Plus, I’ve taken slight dramatic license in the same way that movies do when they say, “Based on a true story.”

This family is composed of my original friend from college and her husband, contemporaries of mine, and their two sons and daughter who are all in their twenties.  The older son lives nearby while his parents and bother and sister live out-of-state.  The older son recently got married and his wife has fit in very well with everyone.  Since his parents came into town to visit them, we invited all four over for the afternoon and dinner to our home.

From the moment “the kids” came in, they were on their cell-phones texting, “surfing,” and otherwise interacting with their technology while half-paying attention to us.  After hello, the first words from them were to ask what our code for the wire-less connection was.  I’m not kidding.

Now, being the bashful, unassuming, and quiet guy that I am, I actually took this in and did keep quiet for a while.  We went to a nearby Barnes ‘N’ Noble and this was still going on while I was trying to share my good news about some of my web activity, via my laptop, with these friends from out-of-town and their son and daughter-in-law.  Jokes were made at my expense as no one cared to see what I was so eager to share.  I got the message and shut down my computer while still observing “the kids” continually checking and interacting with their phones.

I actually got a personal lesson and reminder that expecting my friends and family to support my “work” endeavors, even the publication of my first book, is unrealistic, unreasonable, and unsupportable so I was grateful for this reminder and took that lesson to heart.

I learned this long ago, when my column began appearing on various web sites and I found “my friends and family” were not interested in receiving notices about them and certainly were not interested in posting comments, which is a staple that all bloggers and web-sites seek.

Instead, I developed relationships with many of my readers and quasi-friends from Facebook, Twitter, and my web sites.  I could ask these “quasi-friends” with impunity for a favor, a comment, and know they would be happy to do so, especially since I made it clear I would reciprocate.  That is still what I do. I also learned to never ask my wife to comment.  She supports me in so many other ways, doesn’t really enjoy Social Media, works very hard, and provides a wonderful home for my sons and me.  That is more than enough, for which I’m regularly grateful and tell her so.

However, let’s return to dinner with my friends, after our “coffee” at Barnes ‘N’ Noble.  My wife prepared, as she does so often, a lovely meal.  It was a perfect night for al fresco dining and we were able to sit outside and enjoy a wonderfully comfortable early spring meal. Our friend’s younger son and his wife continued to interact equally with their cell-phones and us. I finally spoke up, suggesting that the son consider turning off his phone.

His parents looked up, but didn’t say a thing.  Nor did anyone else.  A few minutes later, after all the food had arrived and my wife finally sat down and joined us, I saw him again using his phone, this time like a middle-school kid cheating, since he was doing it in his lap, under the table.  It was so amusing that I made a joke and just gave him a look.  At that point, I stopped. This wasn’t my business.

The rest of the evening this young couple continued their multi-tasking and we all made the best of what was still a pleasant night all around because, as I said earlier, I value these friends and especially appreciate the long-standing relationships I have.

Shortly after they left, I asked my older son what he thought about what had transpired.  He simply said something to the effect, “Dad, that’s the way it is for their generation” with no judgment or derision towards them or me.  For the latter, I was grateful.

I’m still unsure of what is correct? It is likely not my place to offer “suggestions” about behavior to anyone else’s children, so I know that is not “correct.”  At our dinner table, no one is allowed to interact with anything other than another human being.  Cell-phones, television, or anything tech is not present.  That is the value I choose to teach at home.  How others choose to raise their children or demand from their adult children is not my business.

Lesson learned.

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Sir Paul McCartney and My Son!

April 27, 2011 By

paul mcartney

Seventeen years ago, I had the pleasure of seeing and hearing Paul McCartney and Wings in concert. The head to toe goose bumps I felt while hearing my favorite Beatle made me feel like my life was, well… “complete”.  I could surely die a happy woman!  The concert was by far, the best one I had ever, ever been to.  The best, that is, until last night.  Last night, I saw Sir Paul perform live again, but this time, my husband and my son were with me.  I got “completed” even better than the first time.

It’s really pretty simple.  My (nearly) 14 year old son chose, without reservation, to let his parents be a part of his very first concert experience.  Sure, it helped that he liked the music we played at home and the fact that we splurged on his expensive ticket, but he could have simply turned us down in favor of a first concert experience with his cohorts… the way most teenagers do it today!  He chose us and we were touched that we could share this “milestone” with him.

So I’d like to ask, “What milestones would you like to share with your children”? “What can you begin to do today to actually pursue this goal?” And while I’m asking questions….

Do you remember your first concert?  Would you have shared the experience with your parents?  Would you like to share this type of experience with your kids?  Why, or why not?

Our experience included being shoulder to shoulder with forty thousand people and getting completely soaked after a heavy 10 minute downpour.  We rocked as a family to “Let it Be”, and sang and screamed for two and a half hours until we lost our voices.  There was even time for a little “parenting” when we had to explain to our son that the “funny smell” he had never smelled before was pot!  Yes, we had a quick discussion on why it is best to “Just Say No” to drugs!  Overall the crowd was tame, but we got to point out how silly drunks looked when they couldn’t walk straight, or just fell down.  Our son probably could have made all these assessments on his own, but we were glad to have been there as guides.  We were also glad we asked him about going to the concert in the first place.  If we hadn’t taken this step and “tried”, we would have never experienced this particular bond in the way that we did.

Of course, we are always parents first and I’m not suggesting we seek back to back opportunities to be our kid’s best friend but I encourage all parents to try to open windows of opportunity to experience friendship with their kids. Even if you think they’ll turn you down, what’s the harm in trying?  If it works, they might just think you’re “cool” and even find you “approachable” to solicit your “parental wisdom”.

In the end, we were just so grateful to have shared a wonderful evening with our young teenager who is rapidly showing us what a great young man he is turning in to and how he values his parents despite our being “parents”.  We had a great friendship between us last night.  Laughter, love, learning, cuddling to stay warm and dry from the rain, and great music made us a very happy family enjoying a very magical night.

Of course tomorrow is another day.  There will likely be scolding about an unmade bed and piles of clothes on the floor.  There might be greater issues that define our roles as defiant teenager and “mean” parent, but for now I must simply just say “thanks” not just to Sir Paul, but to my son, who made the night rock in more ways than one!

Thanks son.

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Maturing Into a Man or Woman

April 26, 2011 By

growing up

How long does puberty in a boy last? A friend of mine who shall remain anonymous, but I’ll refer to as Max, was talking with me about the question of when we “grow up.” He related his own story which I’ll paraphrase, in which he talked about the moment when he “became a man” to quote him. It was…in his thirties!

The story Max told was that prior to this incident, which he defined as his turning point towards manhood, he had always struggled with standing up for himself. Why he felt this was the essential ingredient in defining himself as a man is his personal decision, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

In our discussion on this subject, we reflected that many cultures, religions, and ethnic groups have historically had rituals that marked a boy becoming a man.  Not many such passages or rituals were available for the girls, though I will assert that in contemporary Western Society there are certainly some parallels.

Older indigenous cultures, such as many American Indian tribes, had manhood rituals that involved survival “outside,” alone, for some period of time.  Judaism has for centuries had the Bar Mitzvah as its boy-to-man ritual and added the Bat Mitzvah for girls in the last century.  Secular America sometimes defines adulthood, for both sexes, as either becoming 18 years of age or more often, becoming 21 years old, which is the legal drinking age.

I’m not sure that 21 and drinking should define anything resembling adulthood, when 18 is the age a boy or girl can enlist in the military. I personally think that joining and surviving military training qualifies as much more of an “adult passage” than binge drinking does in college.

My friend’s self-proclaimed rite-of-passage occurred on a camping trip with a few other male friends. At one point, one of these friends demanded some action of him that he felt was an inappropriate request.  Max left the area to think about it. Returning a short while later, he said he told this “friend” that he was out-of-line and refused to do whatever it was that was asked of him (note: it related to preparing the campsite or some other relatively innocuous activity). For Max, then in his early 30’s, it became his defining moment.

What was yours? Did you have such a moment or participate in such a ritual? Do you think the age at which boys and girls mature to men and women is the same as it’s historically been? Or do you think they’re maturing sooner…or later?  For that matter, do you believe each sex matures at different ages or after certain experiences?

There’s no doubt that kids are exposed to much more in the form of media, information, movies, and such than in previous generations, but that doesn’t seem to be affecting their maturity–just their innocence.  In other, maybe more important ways, it’s my belief that many kids today are sheltered from exactly those experiences that hasten their journey towards adulthood.

The generation of my parents most definitely struggled more than I did while my boys are most definitely struggling much less than I did.  “Struggle” may be the wrong choice of words.  Entitlement, spoiled, pampered, protected, coddled, are just a few of the better choices for what I believe the current generation of young boys and girls are getting from many parents.

The sixties generation of parents has certainly raised children in a different fashion than previous generations. There’s no doubt the world these children are growing up in is much more complicated and, at present, more difficult in the areas we of the sixties generation didn’t face nearly as much.

For instance, my sons would not be able to attend the colleges I attended with the grades and test scores I had.  My grades and scores, in fact, wouldn’t get me into even substantially less-rated colleges or universities.  Further, the ease with which I was able to find part-time jobs as a young teenager was much easier than it is today when even the standard paper-route is no longer available to a boy and his bicycle.

Given all these changes, why then is this generation of young men and women seemingly maturing later? They face harsh competition for college admissions and even more competition for all jobs.  Shouldn’t that make them tougher and maybe even more persistent and determined?  Evidently not, given the large number of young adult men and women who are returning to the safety of home after graduating college and either not finding a job or not making enough money to afford a lifestyle equivalent to what we were able to do at their age.

I suppose I’ve answered my original question by these reflections, since my generation was able to get much needed life experience from the many jobs more easily available to us in our teens.  Most of us were able to make a good enough living to not have to return home at all, except to visit, after high school or college graduation.

I guess I’d have to say the “life” was the manhood lesson for me.  And, while society and various cultures may have or have not rituals to mark the passage to adulthood, it really is only “life” that will take you there.

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